It's raining, it's pouring, but it's really boring when you're attacked by the Umbrella Ninjas.

They bore you in the back with their pointy brollies; they almost take your eye out like an olive on a toothpick. The reason I wear sunglasses in the rain is to protect my eyes from UV: umbrella velocity.

I've considered swimming goggles, even horse blinkers. But it's not just your eyeballs you've got to watch. Recently on the street my hair must have looked in need of a tidy up: suddenly, to my horror, the spokes of two umbrellas were tugging on it in unison. The owners now each have handfuls of my DNA.

And another thing … if everyone has their umbrella open on the narrow footpaths of Hong Kong's hugger-mugger streets, how can anyone see where they're going? The transparent plastic models the British royals used during the queen's jubilee pageant on the River Thames last year surely make sense here.

Alternatively, fashion a raincoat out of bubble wrap. If you get bored edging along behind slow walkers, entertain yourself by dropping to the ground and popping the bubbles.

One reason to get a taxi on a wet winter day is to stay dry. There must be a reason some people shake the water off their umbrellas on the back seats, like a Labrador just out of a bath. The logic eludes me, however.

When the heavens open, nylon Catherine wheels with lethal metal spokes will attack you like something out of the movie Gladiator. They go up as soon as rain is forecast and it's still as dry as a bone. I just want to stand on the street and yell "STFU: shut the folding umbrella."