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Weighty matters

Forget the detox and diet fads- save money and get bikini-ready this season

 

Yes, I have been known to spend money stupidly on trendy shoes and ridiculously pricey handbags, but even I am not dumb enough to blow a couple thousand dollars on a few days of juice detox.

Think about it: you're paying that much for essentially veg and fruits that you can get pressed from a guy at the street corner wearing an underwear top and Crocs. And you have to drink six bottles a day. You might be the epitome of health, but your boss will think you have a serious bladder condition when you squirm cross-legged at business meetings and constantly excuse yourself to go to the bathroom.

I've never been one for fad diets and weight-loss schemes. If you want to avoid putting on weight, stop ordering foie gras with a side of salad and Diet Coke. If you want to get into shape, shut up and ride your bike in spin class instead of complaining about the instructor's gross music.

Of course, proponents will try to tell you how the juices contain organic, vitamin-rich and raw ingredients like kale, flaxseed, radish and beets. Well, my happy hour beverages are also very nutritious. All my cocktails contain fruit and veg too. I got wrecked on healthy cranberry juice, distilled sugar cane, potatoes, wheat and barley, and a couple of my shots were made from agave plants. I even ate the fresh stick of celery in one drink. Afterwards, I had dinner with a good-looking guy who ordered me a wine made with exceptionally good grapes. Digest that, ladies.

There are other crazy diets that friends who own too many mirrors have suggested. The Flat Belly Diet involves eating only 1,200 calories a day. Dieticians say people burn 2,000 calories a day just resting, so if you stay on the Flat Belly Diet too long, you'll end up with a starving African baby belly. The 5:2 Diet lets you indulge for five days a week, then you fast for two. I know a few party girls who do that already - not with food, but with men.

A crazy one is the Paleo Diet, where you're supposed to only eat what a caveman would be able to gather and scavenge. I assume that means fruits, nuts, berries and carrion leftovers that a sabre-toothed tiger couldn't finish? If that's my choice, I'd rather be a mammoth.

The least appealing diet is the Cayenne Pepper Master Cleanse. Beyoncé reportedly lost 9kg with it, consuming nothing but lemon juice, maple syrup, water and cayenne pepper for two weeks. The pepper speeds up metabolism, the syrup is for energy, and the lemon juice loosens your bowels.

Sorry, but giving myself constant spicy-pepper diarrhoea is too much pain for any gain.

The Aristocrat

 

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