Insight: when mothers are jealous of helpers
Recently, a young mother shared with me her struggles to control her envy of the close relationship her foreign domestic helper has with her one-year-old son.
Recently, a young mother shared with me her struggles to control her envy of the close relationship her foreign domestic helper has with her one-year-old son.
Rationally, she appreciates her helper's genuine care for her child. The mother also recognises that the helper takes care to ensure that she can enjoy time alone with her son. But she is frustrated that the domestic helper is better able to comfort her child, especially when he is sick or afraid.
She feels very jealous whenever her son shows his attachment to the helper. She cannot help but feel the maid is a rival for his love. She works very hard to win his attachment by spending more time taking care of him and reading him a bedtime story every night. But she can only devote limited time to her child unless she intends to sacrifice her career. Unfortunately, her husband thinks that her envy is irrational. This helps to intensify her frustration.
Although involvement of multiple caregivers, such as grandparents and other relatives, is a long-standing practice in Chinese families, co-ordination among these multiple parental figures is never easy. Many parents decide that hiring a foreign domestic helper will allow them more autonomy in how their child will be raised, rather than getting their own parents or in-laws to help. Nevertheless, introducing a woman from a different country and culture to the parenting partnership may require wisdom and self-control.
The female employer perceives the helper solely as an employee or, even worse, a rival for affections
Many issues arise because of the ambiguity of the helper's role. Various family members may have different perceptions of the maid's role and relationships. When children are asked about the size of their families, many count helpers as one of the family members.