WE have just received the latest communication from Financial Astrology, an organisation which predicts world events 'based on the mathematical calculation and interpretation of planetary positions and correspondences.' Otherwise known as guesswork.
Financial Astrology is run by Rebecca Nolan, a professional mathematician who has been studying astrology for 25 years.
She says she cannot get her forecasts 100 per cent right 'otherwise I'd be God.' But she asserts she is 'getting better and better at it' which implies that God had better get used to the idea of cruising the classifieds for alternative employment.
For now, though, she claims a 71 per cent success rate for her predictions for the period March to May 1995, which may not be up to God's standards but which puts her definitely in the deity-in-waiting league.
It should be remembered that most financial experts are only right about 30 per cent of the time, which on the God scale puts them down there with the pagan worship figures of troglodytes, which seems fair enough.
Anyway, the latest newsletter informs us her predictions for the Hang Seng Index were 87 per cent correct for the month of June. There is a graph comparing her prediction with the actual performance of the index and they do, to some extent, correlate.
With an 87 per cent success record, Ms Nolan would appear to be getting dangerously close to challenging God for top spot, so it seemed in Lai See's interest to investigate her predictions for local events a little more closely.
In her predictions for the period June 1 to August 31, Ms Nolan says Mr Patten's temper will flare, causing market falls.
We learn Li Ka-shing will be 'selling property fast.' We are told that Deng Xiaoping will be 'dead or alive,' a prediction that covers most eventualities.
All pretty negative stuff. Indeed, there are going to be 'major falls in the index between July 13 and July 20', though it will 'pick up again' towards the end of the month.
The general conclusion is not good. She states confidently that 'Hong Kong is a dying market.' Basically, plenty of gloom and plenty of doom.
And then suddenly it all clicked. Rebecca Nolan is Marc Faber in drag.
Not content with one personality predicting dire and disastrous scenarios, Mr Faber, the Godfather of Glum, has invented a female alter-ego, Sister Solemnity, to match him doom for doom and gloom for gloom.
This man needs help. Consider the extent of the problem.
A financial expert given to gloomy predictions invents a rival character of the opposite sex who thinks she has the potential to be God.
Freud would have a field day.
Confirmed THE French: Another apology. We recently have implied the French have a long history of naval failure. We now accept this is completely true and only made this apology to mention it again.
Fun Times THE happy tenants of Wharf's gargantuan development, Times Square, who recently lobbied the landlord for rent reductions of up to 50 per cent alleging poor customer flow, poor signage and a host of other gripes, were thrilled to receive a letter from the management.
The letter was triggered by a breakdown in the building's automation system, which made all the alarms go off during a busy lunch hour.
The management conveyed its apologies as follows: 'We deeply appreciate the confusion caused.' Top guess OUR congratulations go out to Hobson's Property Consultants for attaining the highest standards in Making Blindingly Obvious Statements.
In a recent letter, the company announced proudly it had been appointed the leasing agent for the 28th floor of Concordia Plaza in Tsim Sha Tsui.
The company's letter says: 'The property, occupying the top floor, is not only well above other blocks in the neighbourhood, but is also higher than any other floors in the building.' How about that? The top floor is higher than the other floors. Extraordinary.
Same to you! WHILE you may be thinking twice about doing business with the above mentioned firm, you would definitely cogitate long and hard about moving into this new building in Kowloon.
Hong Kong landlords are notorious for treating their tenants with the minimum of respect, but the owners of this edifice appear to be the masters.
Tenants will have the undiluted pleasure of telling people they live in wonderfully-named Gofuku Tower.