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Fujo Mitarai, chair of the Tokyo 2020 Additional Event Programme Panel and Canon Inc. chairman and chief executive officer, a man who is totally in touch with young folk. Photo: AP
Opinion
James Porteous
James Porteous

'How do you do, fellow kids' - Tokyo Olympics' undignified attempt to be cool leaves squash ostracised again

There’s a popular meme showing a clip from the sitcom 30 Rock, in which Steve Buscemi’s grizzled private eye recalls going ‘undercover’ at a high school. “How do you do, fellow kids?!” says the 50-year-old, sporting a backwards baseball cap, skateboard and a t-shirt with the slogan ‘Music Band’.

It seemed apropos as the Tokyo Olympics nominated five sports for possible inclusion in the 2020 Games: baseball/softball – no surprise there, given it’s the most popular sport in Japan and they’re desperate for it to get back in; karate – kinda similar; surfing – really?; skateboarding – pardon?; and sport climbing – wait, what now?

There’s a popular meme showing a clip from the sitcom 30 Rock, in which Steve Buscemi’s grizzled private eye recalls going ‘undercover’ at a high school. “How do you do, fellow kids?!” says the 50-year-old, sporting a backwards baseball cap, skateboard and a t-shirt with the slogan ‘Music Band’.

It seemed apropos as the Tokyo Olympics nominated five sports for possible inclusion in the 2020 Games: baseball/softball – no surprise there, given it’s the most popular sport in Japan and they’re desperate for it to get back in; karate – kinda similar; surfing – really?; skateboarding – pardon?; and sport climbing – wait, what now?

The announcement – by several old men in suits – was undignified in its fawning desperation to get down with the kids.

“Please like us fellow youngsters! The Olympics is cool too, just like you gritty urban skateboardists. We love Tony Hawks and his superawesome nine hundreder manoeuvre!”

And who should know know better about what da yoot want than chief Fujio Mariata, a billionaire CEO, and his fellow sept- and octagenarians on the committee?

The three unlucky sports from the original shortlist were wushu, 10-pin bowling and squash. Wushu, fair enough, barely anyone outside China knows what it is, and there’s enough tedious martial arts in the Games already – replace the lot with cage fighting if you really want to engage a fresh new audience. Ten-pin bowling is just something to do while getting drunk, so no problems there. But squash? Really?

Most of us have probably tried to play it once or twice - it’s one of the most popular sports in the world. And if you’re anything like me, you don’t fully appreciate the finesse and fitness involved in a sport until you’ve shinned a sitter from six yards out, topped a delicate chip a mile through the green, or piled an easy smash straight into the net.

Watching pro squash, having on a couple of occasions been reduced to a sweaty mess after playing about three points, is to appreciate world-class athletes, who are still able to think three moves ahead and switch in an instant from power to trickery. A pity it’s not cool.

Maybe I could be accused of having the local blinkers on here, since squash is one of the few sports in which Hong Kong could legitimately be said to have decent Olympic medal hopes – but the same is true for wushu and perhaps bowling, and they’re no loss. If you’re a fan of sporting achievement at all, you can see squash meets all the criteria for Games inclusion.

HE'S SO NOT RIGHT FOR HER!
‘Shock’ and ‘devastation’ were the common reactions among players and officials. It’s all the more galling that squash, desperate for inclusion for years, campaigning furiously and doing everything they can think of to become more telegenic etc, has missed out to three sports whose participants don’t seem particularly bothered.

If I can just reduce global sporting politics to the plot of a Sweet Valley High book (got to hit that tweenage girl demo), squash is like the nice kid who keeps seeing the hot girl he fancies go off with the bad lad who you know is going to treat her wrong.

Anecdoctal evidence suggests many in the surfing and climbing communities are apathetic at the very best to their sports' inclusion, fearing that reducing them to artificial uniformity via wave pools and climbing walls removes both the unpredictable element and communing with nature that proponents love; others worry that an Olympics-related boost in popularity is the last thing they need on already-crowded crags and waves.

It’s doubtful whether any skateboarders looked up from their bongs long enough to hear the news; those that did probably wondered how the Olympics can possibly top the likes of the X Games.

Maybe it’s just because I’m getting to that point where middle age is closer than my teens, but I don’t know how or when we became so obsessesed with what young people do, think and care about. They’re mostly idiots, god knows I was when I was their age.

Yet many or most, I believe, would rather watch peak athletes compete at the height of their powers in the likes of athletics, swimming or, yes, squash rather than be pandered to by old farts and their idea of cool.

Then again, it’s unclear if one, some or all of the five proposed sports will be included by the IOC. Perhaps the Japan organisers don’t give a hoot about yoot, but left out squash as the likeliest competitor to baseball if only one were to be picked … oh dear, what a world-weary, cynical view of the world. Thirteen-year-olds interested in writing this column next week, please apply to the usual address.

 

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