World cup 2014
World Cup Diary

World Cup diary: Abkhazia, Kosovo or Barcelona for Luis Suarez, the face of nipple clamps?

Everybody - from football clubs in breakaway Georgian states to Swedish sex toy shops - is trying to cash in on the Uruguayan's shameful bite

PUBLISHED : Saturday, 05 July, 2014, 1:33am
UPDATED : Saturday, 05 July, 2014, 7:21am

Okay, hopefully these are the last Luis Suarez updates of the World Cup, then we can all forget him for a while until he bites the new King of Spain in a statement of Catalan independence after signing for Barcelona.

Hopping on the PR bandwagon are Abkhazian club Nart FC, who say they'll give him the chance to play while he serves his four-month ban.

Seemingly Abkhazia is not where Daenerys and her dragons freed the slaves from, but a breakaway republic within Georgia.

They have not been much recognised by the international community and are not part of Fifa, meaning Suarez is free to play.

"Of course we can not offer the Uruguayan footballer a financial package that he is used to, but the Abkhazian championship is at its peak," club president Gennady Tsvinariya told the ITAR-TASS news agency, Reuters reports. "We will be able to offer Suarez the chance to maintain his match fitness."

Nart are a bit late to the publicity-seeking party, though - Hajvalia from Kosovo told Suarez a few days ago that they'd offer him a contract, the same loophole applying to them too.

Hmm, Abkhazia, Kosovo or Barcelona, let's think about that one ... (feel free to insert your own joke about Liverpool here).

Meanwhile, the Wall Street Journal reports that hundreds of merchants on Taobao have begun selling Suarez bottle openers.

And just to show that it's not just the Chinese who are quick to try to make a fast buck, a Swedish sex toy store has made some Suarez nipple clamps.

The safest-for-work picture we could find is above - if you really want to see a miniature Suarez head chomping down on a woman's nipple, click here you filthy animal.

“Maybe he will be proud to spread a bit of pleasure and love, despite his error on the field,” the store's director said. Yeah ... maybe.

Insect of the day

A giant locust / cricket /grasshopper landed on James Rodriguez's arm just before he scored a penalty against Brazil. It stayed on his arm during and after the penalty, before jumping away to the island where boys are turned into donkeys

Gif of the day

This Colombian fan's face paint and nice white hat were understandably singled out by the TV cameramen

Thanks Dad, says Brazilian boy named after four France players  

AFP have found a seven-year-old boy in Brazil with the magnificent name of Zinedine Yazid Zidane Thierry Henry Barthez Eric Felipe Silva Santos.

“I don’t know [all the names] yet. I never learned them,” Zidane told the G1 news website.

The boy’s father - it's always the fathers - wanted to pay tribute to France stars Barthez, Zidane and Henry after falling in love with the country. Eric refers to former Man U legend Cantona, and Felipe is a token local reference to Brazil’s manager. Silva Santos is the family name.

“I was won over by the friendliness of French people [on a visit to his daughters a few years ago] and I decided to learn the language to be able to speak it without sounding ridiculous if I visit again,” the shopkeeper said, AFP reports.

Now, you see, what's rather more likely to make you sound ridiculous is ... naming your son Zinedine Yazid Zidane Thierry Henry Barthez Eric Felipe!.

The presumably long-suffering Mrs Silva Santos is nowhere to be seen in any of these reports, of course.

And as for little Zidane's opinion? "I would have loved to be named Luiz Gustavo,” after the Brazil midfielder, he sighed.

A lengthy arm-crossing analysis

Like all of us, it seems Slate magazine were at a loose end when the football suddenly stopped without warning for a couple of days there, leaving us huddling in a corner of the sofa shivering and sweating, frantically bashing the remote control.

It seems they satisfied their jones by going through almost every player's arm-crossing technique in the ridiculous team idents before each game that somebody at Fifa decided was a good idea.

As well as the above video, they have gone into extreme depth analysing the different styles of arm-foldery, and what each might mean.

It's a lot more entertaining than it sounds - or maybe just seemed that way given our withdrawal symptoms.