Left Field: Wimbledon noises destroy the All England Club's serenity
Victoria Azarenka, Maria Sharapova and Serena Williams are among the culprits
There is nothing more soothing than the sound of British summer sports. The reassuring "thwack" of leather ball on willow cricket bat, the gentle "thowk" from carefully rolled bowls on to jack ... Even the mosquito-like whine of Formula One racing cars offers seasonal audio-therapy.
Of course, Wimbledon tennis has long produced hits for the season's album; the distinct impact of fluorescent green ball on precision-tensioned racquet, the appreciative "oohs" and "aahs" from the left-right-left swivelling heads of the crowd, the ripple of measured applause and the school-masterly barks of the judges and umpire: "Out!" "Fault!" "Net!"
But this signature summer overture is once more blighted by the caterwauling of the women players, stars such as Victoria Azarenka, Maria Sharapova and Serena Williams among the chief culprits.
Centre Court and the surrounding lawns too often sound like a maternity ward chock-full of labour-pained mums delivering quadruplets
Centre Court and the surrounding lawns too often sound like a maternity ward chock-full of labour-pained mums delivering quadruplets; the primal shrieks, the undignified grunts, groans and gasps.
Women players snorting and yelping their way through volleys, aces and sliced shots are now infuriatingly synonymous with one of the finest sport events in the world.
The grating cacophony annually sparks talk about the introduction of a grunt-o-meter to measure to what extent players are creating undue noise pollution and an unfair advantage over their taciturn opponents.
Azarenka's guttural outpourings have been recorded exceeding 105 decibels, and Sharapova, a champion grunter, has been exhaling crescendos as high as an "A6 note" - an octave above a soprano singer - since aged four.
Their X-rated squawks are a turn-off for an increasing number of fans.
Many of us complain (with lobs of sarcasm) of tennis-tinnitus, a condition brought about by listening to or watching the women's rounds on the radio and television.
Yet despite the rising number of calls for dignified peace and quiet during rallies, returns and serves, there's been no serious and sustained effort by the game's custodians to muffle the offenders. The racket continues unchecked - more proof to those of us who believe the women's game is self-obsessed and overly indulged by Wimbledon's All England Club and the Women's Tennis Association (WTA).
The organisers appear too afraid to stand up to the over-pampered female stars, who already enjoy shorter matches and allow court-side coaching from their trainers
The organisers appear too afraid to stand up to the over-pampered female stars, who already enjoy shorter matches and allow court-side coaching from their trainers.
In another affront to the tournament, there was a call for the ultimate coddle for female players - heat breaks when temperatures soar.
The WTA rules that tournaments must grant 10-minute breaks if the heat index - which takes into account courtside air, humidity and surface temperature - passes 30.1 degrees Celsius.
Last week it called upon the All England Club to activate the breaks because the United Kingdom is experiencing some warm weather; Wimbledon recorded its hottest opening day.
The WTA was supported by the mother of British ace Andy Murray, Judy.
She called for the extreme weather rest bites to be extended to the men's game after watching her champion son play his opening match in 40-plus degrees last year in Melbourne, she witnessed her other tennis playing son, Jamie, suffer heatstroke, even though the Australian Tennis Association allows heat breaks for men and women.
No one wants to see a player of either sex place themselves in danger.
But the sun has occasionally shone at Wimbledon since its conception in 1877, and generations of players of both sexes have managed to muddle through, wiping the sweat from their brows, and survived - more often than not providing sizzling tennis in the process.
Moreover, the millionaire 21st-century players are the fittest specimens ever to grace clay or lawn courts, and should be prepared to perform whatever the climatic conditions. Or they should pick another sport.
Women's tennis players want the same amount of prize money as the men, but do not appear to want to work as hard for it. This lopsided quest for equality now threatens to "fluff down" the men's game and should be resisted.
If the women Wimbledon stars want to be treated the same as men, they need to man up and make like strong, silent types.
