THE programmers continue to work along the lines that most people have left Hong Kong for the Chinese New Year and will still be stuck at Lowu border crossing or looking for their baggage at Kai Tak airport. Perhaps the programmers themselves have gone away and left their stations on automatic pilot. There is nothing on this evening that you will not have seen before, in the very recent past. The best of a thoroughly average bunch of films is Buffy The Vampire Slayer (World, 9.30pm). Best is a relative term; this is actually a curiously moronic teen comedy in which a Californian bimbo learns that her destiny is to be a killer of vampires. The British film critic Alexander Walker did not enjoy it. He said: 'To enjoy this rubbish you have to put your IQ into total unconsciousness.' Buffy is an attempt to lampoon vampire movies, but instead of making a fool of others, ends up making a fool of itself. Kristy Swanson is the bimbo, Rutger Hauer is not bad as the vampire chief and the excellent Donald Sutherland is wasted as Swanson's sagacious teacher. SYLVESTER Stallone tries his hand at raising some laughs in Oscar (Pearl, 9.30pm) and does not fare a whole lot better. This was Sly's first attempt at screwball comedy, but it sinks under the weight of its own witlessness. Sly is a gangster who is trying to go straight, despite the efforts of all those around him to prevent him from doing so. John Landis directed and look out for a quickie from Kirk Douglas. ALAN Parker's Bugsy Malone (World, 11.00am) is also a strange one. It's his 1976 version of the New York 1929 gangster story that has Fat Sam fighting it out with Dandy Dan to see who can win the girl. All the parts are played by children, including a teenage Jodie Foster, and their guns shoot custard and ice cream. It's fun, in places, but one wonders exactly who it's meant to appeal to. It was also a departure for Parker. He is better known for serious stuff such as Birdy, although he did do a musical again in 1991 with The Commitments Aladdin (Pearl, 10.35am) is definitely for children, but is not the recent cartoon version for which Robin Williams provided the voice for the genie. This is an Italian job, but is set in the US, where a boy (Luca Venantini) finds a lamp in a Miami junk shop. An underworld chieftain gets in on the act, followed by government agents. Aladdin realises that his new genie friend, played by Bud Spencer, will be turned into a top secret military weapon unless his third and final wish is a whopper. THE comic western Silverado (Pearl, 1.45pm) was billed as a new look at the old west. It stars some big names and tells of various pioneers in the 1880s trying to establish a future in the west. Kevin Kline (Dave) and Scott Glenn are a couple of drifters following the wind to a town called Silverado. Along the way they join forces with Kevin Costner and Danny Glover. Brian Dennehy is the corrupt sheriff and owner of the local bar. THERE is a new drama series on Pearl and it is one of those America loves so much, in which a mis-matched crime-fighting duo create havoc and humour upholding the law in their own way. Walker, Texas Ranger (12.05am) could be Starsky and Hutch, Eddie Murphy and Nick Nolte, or Turner and Hooch. Your hero this time round, or one of them, is Cordell Walker, a modern-day Texas ranger whose crime-fighting techniques are rooted in the rigged traditions of the Old West. His partner is a slick, ex-football star. Walker is played by - wait for this - Chuck Norris. AT 60 years of age Maurice Ward is a man who has the world salivating at his feet. The former hairdresser from a small English town has invented a plastic, he calls it Starlite, that can withstand temperatures of 10,000 degrees. Diamonds melt at 9,000. QED (Pearl, 7.15pm) tells his extraordinary story. Experts have been looking for such a plastic for decades - it has huge potential for aviation and defence and there is not a government or a multi-national company that would not like to get their hands on it. Mr Ward made it, by accident or design he is not saying, from 12 ingredients. Only he, his wife and his daughter know the recipe. NASA is the latest in a long line of bidders. Will Mr Ward sell?