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SCMP Reporter

THE keenly contested record for World's Least Successful Trade Boycott is being contested by a member of the New South Wales legislature in Australia.

  A member - and we use that word carefully - one Richard Jones, is trying to get Australians to boycott all Hong Kong goods because 'Australians were appalled to learn that the people of Hong Kong are responsible for the mass slaughter of seals in Namibia purely to obtain their penises'.

 We've got bad news for Richard, who is deputy leader of the Australian Democrats in New South Wales: we didn't know there were any seals in Namibia.

 Has he got Namibia mixed up with Canada?      Richard continues: 'All the people of Hong Kong must take the responsibility for this massive inhumane slaughter of seals and I personally will not buy another product from Hong Kong until such time as the trade and slaughter is banned.'   'I will ask all my colleagues and members of the public to do likewise,' he says in a letter trying to get support.

  We've got good news on this one: trade in seal penises between Hong Kong and Canada - or even Namibia - is already banned, assuming the species of seal is endangered.

   Anyone trying to bring them here could get two years' in prison.

  We'll bring more news on this campaign as this well-meaning but somewhat under-informed lobbying machine swings into action.

  Wheels of justice  WESTERN magistrate's court yesterday was the scene of some terrible teasing for a youngish chap who has just moved here and was a bit slow with some paperwork.

 He'd brought two cherished motorbikes with him, and was 17 days late doing the paperwork with Customs and Excise.

  Despite the fact that the period was over Christmas and he hadn't ridden them until he'd got the paperwork in order, the mighty force of the law was brought in.

  He appeared in court yesterday in front of magistrate Polly Lo and pleaded guilty.

  First, she told him that the maximum fine was $500,000 per vehicle.

   As the poor character's brain reeled from the possibility of a $1 million bill, more than the bikes are worth, she gave him a long lecture entitled 'Hong Kong is an unsafe place for motorcyclists'.

  'If I had a son and found out he had a motorbike I'd take it away from him' she said, saying even in the New Territories motorcycling was too dangerous.

  After he'd sweated enough, down came the verdict: fined $2,500.

  Out to lunch  WE'D love to know where this building is in Guangzhou which has been given some miracle treatment.

  In particular, we'd like to establish whether any Hong Kong companies own the buildings on either side.

  Apparently, an eight storey building was slanting by 18 degrees even though it was only erected in 1986, according to Chinese news reports.

  No problem.

   A local company used a technique called 'rectification by means of synchronous lifting after cutting pillars'.

  This involves cutting the 28 concrete pillars which hold the building up, lifting the building, and dropping it back in place - nicely vertical.

  The good thing about the technique is that it doesn't require the building to be evacuated, reports say.

  Still, it might be a good idea to arrange to be eating lunch while the operation is carried out, just in case stuff falls from shelves.

  Lost cause  NOBODY is going to believe it, but there is someone out there trying to buy shares in the corporate corpse of MKI Corp, suspended from trading for nearly a year.

  They've rung up one major shareholder which wishes they weren't, wanting to buy the shares off-market.

 Unfortunately, serious finance houses won't deal like this.

   A number of risks, in particular, the other party not paying for the shares, is the reason why.

  We still like the idea of one individual shareholder came up with.

  The stock should be allowed to trade for one day for small players to get out at a reasonably decent price.

  No more bets  WHARF Cable has taken its time-confused advertising into a new dimension.

  Previously, it tried to entice viewers with headlines like 'Will Zucchini beat Mozarella in the Italian Pasta Cup? See it on Wharf Cable' when the match was a week earlier and every football fan knew Zucchini had been totally squashed 5-nil.

  Yesterday, they asked 'Last year, Arsenal won the UEFA Cup-winners Cup . . . will history repeat itself this year?'   The answer is No. The match will be two-one, and Arsenal will lose.

  We know because the match took place last week.



Dick's trade embargo misses the mark