FOLLOWING the shareholder revolt at the recent Wharf EGM, it was refreshing to see directors of Hong Kong Resorts pandering to shareholders' needs - if, of course, the word pandering means shutting a woman shareholder in a room and putting bodyguards on the door to shut her up. We hear the disgruntled shareholder attended the meeting with her handicapped daughter and objected vocally to HKR's recent bond and warrants bonus issue following the highly profitable sale of its stake in Discovery Bay, land of the brain-dead. The middle-aged woman sat beside her daughter's wheelchair and brought up the subject of HKR's share price, which has plunged dramatically She said she did not want the bonds or warrants but the cash. She pointed out that the money she planned to use to help her daughter was reduced severely by the plummeting share price. 'How am I going to raise my daughter?' she asked the HKR directors. Exuding sympathy, the directors responded by guiding her firmly to a separate room while a bevy of heavies guarded the door. Asked about the objections, an HKR executive empathised: 'She just doesn't understand the deal.' Good to see shareholders are being treated in the fashion to which they are accustomed - namely, like unfortunate and inconvenient hindrances whose opinions are worthless. Forever lonely AN observant reader pointed out this refreshingly honest advertisement in a London newspaper's Lonely Hearts column. 'Dead ugly, pig ignorant male slob, 32, with BO, seeks gullible, solvent bimbo to sponge off, nag at, and ultimately divorce for alimony.' Ring any bells? He's back GOD is alive and well and working in Hong Kong, Lai See can reveal exclusively. A birthday cake was ordered yesterday for a young lad called Chris. His workmates gathered around and unveiled the cake to reveal the legend: 'Happy Birthday Christ' Come back ABN, all is forgiven. No holly LOOKING forward to Christmas? Well, too late, you've missed it. A bleary-eyed reader informed us of some rather strange announcements being made on Asia Business News (ABN), the business television channel for people who cannot read newspapers. Once regular broadcasting has finished for the night, ABN locks into auto pilot and broadcasts regional information about public holidays and similar such fascinating stuff. Unfortunately, they are insisting night after night that Christmas was on June 25. So there you are. Christmas was two days ago. Santa's been and gone and only the crumbs remain of the mince pies. Alternatively, ABN, the disseminator of market-moving statistical information, could have got wrong the easiest date in the world to remember. Noodlespeak WELCOME to the world of instant Cantonese, brought to you courtesy of a new book called, strangely, Instant Cantonese. Lai See tried it out on some colleagues and is still rubbing ice on the sensitive bits. Today's lesson: Personal Introductions and The Restaurant. The idea is to just say the words as you see them. 'Can you introduce me to a nice girl?' Guy see-you gore nam pung yow bay ngor duck-mm-duck? 'Are you married?' Nay geet jaw fun may? The book is available at a bookshop near you. Another lesson tomorrow on Bars and Pick Up Lines. Pearler! A FOOL and his money are easily parted. Take, for example, the owners of the bizarrely-named Chinese company, Moon God Drinking Products, which makes a drink containing powdered pearls said to improve skin tone. The company is offering cash prizes to readers who spot typographical errors in certain Chinese newspapers. It will hand over the fairly hefty whack of 1,000 yuan for each mistake. This could be a costly exercise as Chinese newspapers are not renowned for their spelling. They have in the past generated such classics as the story about a monk who was about to begin a month-long fast. Unfortunately, the headline ran with the 's' becoming an 'r' in the last word. Offence WE send out sympathies to Robin Garten who qualifies as current front runner in the Stupid Job Titles competition. He is head of the Government's Dangerous Appendages Unit. That's right, the authorities are cracking down on dangerous appendages. Appendage Unit: 'We have information which leads us to believe you are in possession of a dangerous appendage.' Victim: 'Flattery will get you nowhere.' In fact, the unit inspects balconies to make sure they won't fall off.