A question of happiness and the fairer sex

PUBLISHED : Monday, 17 July, 1995, 12:00am
UPDATED : Monday, 17 July, 1995, 12:00am

DON Marquis, a gentleman of Spanish descent, once said: 'Fate often puts all the material of happiness into a man's hands just to see how miserable he can make himself with them.' With this in mind, we have received an interesting fax which offers its advice to men on how to answer some of the toughest questions women can ask.

Question 1. 'What are you thinking about?' The correct answer to this question is: 'I'm sorry if I've been pensive. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and how lucky I am to have met you.' The wrong answers are: 'Football'; 'How fat you are'; 'How much prettier she is than you'; 'If I wanted you to know I'd be talking instead of thinking.' Question 2. 'Do you love me?' The correct answer is: 'Yes.' Wrong answers include: 'I suppose so'; 'Would it make you feel better if I said yes'; 'Does it matter'; 'Who, me?'; 'That depends on what you mean by love'.

Question 3. 'Do I look fat?' The correct answer is: 'No, of course not.' Wrong answers include: 'I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either'; 'A little extra weight looks good on you' and 'I've seen fatter'; 'Compared to what?' Question 4. 'Do you think she's prettier than me?' The correct answer is: 'No, you are much prettier.' Wrong answers include: 'Not prettier, just pretty in a different way'; 'I don't know how one goes about rating such things'; 'Yes, but I bet you have a better personality'; 'Only in the sense that she is younger and thinner'.

Question 5. 'What would you do if I died?' The correct answer is: 'Life would cease to have all meaning for me.' Incorrect answers include: 'Cash in your insurance policy' and 'Remarry'; 'Nothing would change'.

Ladies and gentlemen, we welcome any alternatives you can think of.

Mouthful THE Government Information Service recently ran this announcement.

'The Commissioner of Insurance, Mrs Pamela Tan, has presented a petition to the High Court for the winding-up of the HK branch of Vahinkovakuutusosakeyhtio Kansa International.

It's easier to wind up than it is to say.

STAR scoop TV companies are normally in the business of maximising audiences, but at STAR TV it appears that too much time infront of the screen is not appreciated. A war has broken out over the use of the E-Mail message system which allows staff to communicate with each other on-screen.

STAR's computer department, MIS, has been sending out increasingly vehement messages to staff telling them to stop sending personal messages to everyone.

The system was used for such matters as arranging where to go out drinking and passing on information on flats, items for sale and the like.

This is dangerous and radical stuff likely to incite riotous behaviour and a possible breakdown of law and order.

'Anyone who continues to send personal messages to everyone will have the mail privileges removed,' thundered the no-necks down at the MIS department.

The happy workers of STAR have given this the raspberry it deserves, describing the department's tactics as 'very George Orwell's 1984'.

So vigilant has MIS been in stamping out this outrageous behaviour, that it actually cut off the E-Mail privileges of a certain Dan Atyeo, a VJ-in-the-making and coffee-maker currently languishing as the head of Channel V.

Hugh-bashing A LAWRENCE Stokes of Kowloon sends us the following market-moving communication.

'The much maligned Mr Hugh Grant should be afforded more consideration for pointing out to all of us that at least one aspect of the American economy is not suffering from inflation.' Good point.

Now, just watch the Hang Seng index skyrocket in reaction.