IT'S not for me to spoil your breakfast, but this alien business is getting right out of hand. There are, I would be first to admit, some suspicious-looking characters driving our public light buses and hosting late-night shows on RTHK. Yet after a week of programming on ATV World , I think it can still be safely assumed that the only extra-terrestrial biological entity on our planet is presenter Andy Curtis' tie.
He should really have found something more traditional; it was disconcerting listening to him blathering on about the most startling film footage ever shown when all the time he looked like he had something from Revenge of the Killer Tomatoes crawling up his shirt and about to eat what is left of his chin.
If you are not following this, permit me a few lines to refresh your memory. ATV this week broadcast film footage of what is said to be an autopsy carried out in 1947 on an alien who overshot the runway in Roswell, New Mexico. No one has yet satisfactorily explained why aliens favour deserts, but never mind.
The aliens had come from a planet called Alpha Romeo, or somewhere, but their saucer was caught in a storm (six million light years and they hadn't allowed for wind shear?) and they died horrible alien deaths. The autopsy was performed by two people in traditional bee-keeping attire and filmed with a malfunctioning camera that conveniently went out of focus every time some important detail was about to be revealed.
Then there's the informant 'Condor', who has the same skin disease Michael Jackson has, but in reverse, with green instead of white. He claims to be a member of that lunatic fringe, the US secret service, and further claims to have had access to top secret - nay, higher even than top secret, really really top secret - documents about visitations from extra-terrestrial biological entities: EBEs as they are known to fully paid-up members of the Society for the Terminally Deluded - such as Kathy Davis, who swears she has had several children by aliens as a result of contacts from space. The aliens fertilised her, removed the embryo, and then returned her to Earth.
Condor's revelations were, as Andy Curtis would say, quite remarkable and astonishing and exclusive to only ATV and every other television network in the world. When they were shown in England, thousands of people made a cup of tea and went to bed early.
There are, said Condor, and I suspect behind all that green he was laughing, a couple of aliens alive and well and going about their alien business - alien shopping, alien barbecues - at a secret location called Sector 51 in Nevada. They have their hair done at the alien beauty parlour and their suits made at an alien tailor. They play alien Nintendo, in which distant and hitherto peace-loving planets are attacked by hordes of Earth beings in anoraks carrying Tupperware full of sandwiches.