THE pilot for the new series Pointman (World, 9.30pm) is asinine, daft, thick-witted and foolish. Exactly the kind of programme audiences thoroughly enjoy. Not since Flash Gordon went to the moon in a washing-up liquid bottle wrapped in silver foil has anything so bad been quite so good. There are no stars to speak of, so no one to make a complete embarrassment of themselves. The best Pointman can do is Jack Scalia, who in 1984 featured briefly alongside Tom Berenger and Melanie Griffith in the sleazy and miserable Fear City. He plays Constantine 'Connie' Nicholas Harper, an insufferable Wall Street type who is made to take the rap when his company goes under and finds himself doing time for fraud. Years later he emerges, trained as a bodyguard by fellow inmates and ripe for a spot of revenge. Nick Leeson might care to pay special attention. THE cretinous Citylife (Pearl, 8pm) continues to amaze with its absurd pretensions and complete lack of charm. Geoffrey Wong interviewing Terri Holladay last week was like a cardboard box interviewing a potato: Geoffrey: 'So what's your favourite colour?' Terri (after thinking about it): 'Sea green.' Geoffrey: 'That's an unusual colour.' Terri. Yes. And very difficult to find clothes in.' Our Geoffrey, who either is a dullard or does a grand impersonation of one, didn't have the balls to ask about Ms Holladay's disastrous marriage to Cecil Chao, the man with the aviator spectacles. 'I'm not going to ask you about the difficult times,' said he, to which she replied 'thank you' and giggled. THAT squeaking antipodean Kylie Minogue stars in The Delinquents (World, 4.20am), which is as good a reason as any not to watch it. This was trumpeted as her big film debut, post Neighbours, but bombed spectacularly, aided by a twee script and an irksome performance from Ms Minogue. She's a belligerent teenager (called Lola, for heaven's sake) of the 50s who falls in love with like-minded Brownie Hansen (Charlie Schlatter) and heads off with him to see the world. DREW Barrymore starred in Cat's Eye (Pearl, 9.30pm) three years after she had made E.T. and two years before she became an acutely dysfunctional teenager and had problems with drugs. She was making a habit of taking Stephen King roles at the time, also playing the little girl who could spontaneously combust things at will in Firestarter. Firestarter, like Cat's Eye, wasted a number of good actors but gave employment to numerous stunt and special effects men. Cat's Eye is actually three stories in one, none of which is special and all of which lack the kind of self-deprecation a horror film needs if the public is to take it seriously. James Woods also stars. Lewis Teague's direction is heavy-handed. THE war film All Quiet On The Western Front (TDM Channel 2, 7.45pm) is worth going to Macau for. This is the film, based on Erich Maria Remarque's novel, that fixed in millions of minds what it was like to be in the trenches. Despite its dated moments it retains its power and remains a great pacifist work. The character played by Lew Ayres says: 'We live in the trenches out there. We fight. We try not to be killed, but sometimes we are. That's all.' FILMS on Cable Movie Channel: Hellraiser (1.30pm). Directed by cult horror writer Clive Barker and a decent job he makes of it too. Plenty of gothic nastiness, but enough humour and irony to make it borderline intelligent. It was a cult hit and two sequels followed, though neither was directed by Barker and neither was as good. Me And Him (7pm). Story of a man (Griffin Dunne) and his talking sex organ, based on an Italian novel. Well it would be, wouldn't it? Mark Linn-Baker supplies the voice of Dunne's 'special friend'.