Dead to the world

CANTO-pop king Andy Lau had to tell Tin Tin Daily that rumours of his demise were much exaggerated. The singer spent the whole of Thursday telling the media that he was alive and well after Metro News radio station received an anonymous phone call saying that Lau and actress Gigi(?) Kwan had been killed in a car crash in Shanghai. 'Touch wood, is all I can say!' laughed the star. 'I was in The Landmark on a shopping spree on Thursday and was as shocked to hear the news as everyone else.' PEE ANYONE? NEXT magazine reports that there are about 1,000 people in Hong Kong who regularly drink their own urine as a tonic. 'I drink a glass every morning right after I go to the toilet,' confessed 35-year-old Mrs Cheung who claims she has lost 10 pounds over the last year without doing any exercise. 'It's good for your skin, too,' she said. 'I use it to wash my face every day. I've even persuaded my mother and five-year-old son to drink their urine.' Veteran kung fu actor Master Kwa has validated the practice and taken it an alarming step further; he says that scraping the stains found on the inside of a toilet bowl yields a substance that, when ingested, can cure diabetes and cancer.

Bumper cars CHUNG X-lin, 39, was arrested a week ago for driving without a licence when she crashed into four cars in a parking lot in Sau Mau Ping on Friday. Chung told Apple Daily, 'My boyfriend asked me to get his wallet from the car and handed me the key. I couldn't resist. I haven't driven in 10 years and it felt great.' Records revealed that Chung's licence was rescinded by police a decade ago because she was involved in a series of careless accidents. 'From the way she failed to even turn a corner without crashing into other people's vehicles, it is unlikely she will ever be allowed to drive again,' said the stony-faced policeman who arrested her.

HARSH WORDS A secondary school in Jiang Xu province, China, has drawn up a list of 20 phrases and swear words that teachers are forbidden to use in front of students following the suicides of two teenage girls last month. According to a report in Oriental Daily, regular verbal assaults from their form teacher provoked the tragedy. The list of banned comments includes: 'Child moron', 'You have no face', 'You are destined for a bad life', 'I am ashamed to have a student like you' and 'P*** off!' FROZEN ASSETS AN old lady who poured liquid cement onto an ETC machine last weekend would have destroyed two more if a customer hadn't stopped her in time. Mr Chan told Oriental Daily that the woman was warning everyone approaching the machines to stay away because they were her property. When they ignored her, she tipped a bucket of cement over the machine to prevent them taking her money. 'I begged her not to seal the other machines because I really needed to withdraw some cash' he said. 'Then I figured she was probably crazy, so I knelt down and promised I'd give the money back to her. While she was hesitating, the bank's staff came out and led her away.' IT'S A FAIR COP EXPRESS Daily reports that a police inspector in Taipei has been arrested for blackmailing a prostitute, Chu X-ha, after he demanded a refund from her. 'I called the police myself when he whipped his badge out. I thought it was just a fake, ' Chu told reporters. 'He had no right to ask me for a refund; he was grunting for an hour with enjoyment.' BARKING MAD A RETIRED firefighter, 59-year-old Chu X-hung, was arrested for setting fire to his neighbours' flats in Fanling's Ling Shan village last Monday because they ignored his complaints about their dogs. Mrs Lee, who lives next door, told Tin Tin Daily, 'He was constantly whining that he couldn't sleep because my dogs were barking at night. He also claimed that our friend's dog bit him. We explained that the dogs are here to protect the whole village but the selfish man threatened to cut out their tongues.

Now that he has been arrested, perhaps they can sleep in peace!'