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SCMP Reporter

THE Illustrated Hongkong is a book that's very boring,   And books of aerial photographs make hyperactives snore. We really need A Rhyming Look, as everybody knows; Funny you should mention that - so brace yourself, here goes!   A is for airport, We'll get one I'll wager, British industry needs it - so do Patten and Major.

  B is for banker, for bail and for boat, Put a banker on bail he'll be quickly afloat.

  C is for Cecil, a playboy with bucks, And a brand new child-bride, That he wed in a tux.

  D is for David, the surname is Tang, We wish his cigar would go off with a bang.

  E is for environment, we do just as we please, Chuck our gunk in the harbour and export the sleaze.

    We know just how to do it - we're no bunch of mugs, We're a leading world centre for dangerous drugs.

  F is for famous and for funny, You get to be famous by the size of your money.

  G is for Graham, Janine on TV, CNN every night, she is there just for me. You might think she is boring, but that's not the worst, Introducing the stories, she then says: ''But first.''   H is for harbour - and I've got a notion There's lots of things in it, But not very much ocean.

  I is for image, you can still be a jerk, While drinking straight XO And driving a Merc.

  J is for Jumbo - it's not as obscene As the stuff that it floats on in old Aberdeen.

  K is for Kristal, should be spelled with a 'C', She is famous for being both Cristal and Li, A wrinkle-free beauty, magnificent wench, With a rich Chinese hubby who thinks that he's French.

  L is for Lavender, the wife of our Chris, She'd like to be in London, And give Albert Road a miss.

  M is for materialism, money well spent, Ferrari, Gucci and Yves St Laurent, Make lots of bucks and you will find Perfect contentment and great peace of mind.

  N is for nature, it's under control, Endangered species now fill a spring roll. We've tamed all the hills and ripped down the trees, Made toxic the harbour and South China Seas. That's just the beginning, 'cos with too much thought We'll tame all the islands with a fancy airport.

  O is for omnibus, bus companies are on a roll, Their doubledeckers never crash, They only ''go out of control''.

  P is for ponies, big bucks at the track, Jockeys can bet their life savings and never look back. ''I'll never be broke,'' you will hear the dwarfs vow, As they jump on a jetfoil and head for Macau.

  Q is for quaint and also for quash, Quaint is exotic, like Pekinese nosh, Peking officials can also be quaint, As they quash student protests exotic they ain't. And those quaint little fellows can see nothing wrong With quashing and quashing and quashingHongkong.

  R is for renovate, you buy a new flat, Then tear it apart from ceiling to mat.

    Jackhammer the walls and rip up the floor, Three-week-old flats are really a bore. The neighbours are wrecks, haven't slept for a week, You flog it for double and move to The Peak. The next bloke comes in - a demolition encore: Six-weeks-old flats are really a bore.

  S is for shopping, we keep buying stuff In new plastic bags and it's never enough. Gold jewellery and cognac, anything of your choosing, Then you'll be charismatic, fulfilled and amusing.

  T is for takeover, it's manna from heaven, To be part of China come mid-'97. ''Corruption returns'', you hear people say, Corruption's come back?! - It did not go away!   U is for ubiquitous and also for umbrella, When it rains you buy them - from a little old street seller. For 50 bucks it sees you through one downpour or shower, Made in China - built to last - at least for half an hour.

  V is for Valium, a dozen a day, To keep nervous tension and breakdowns at bay. Kids leaping off buildings while everyone clamours For improved GNP and lots more jackhammers.

  W is for war of words - when China starts to holler, They talk the local market down, Move in, and make a dollar.

  X is for Xmas, the birthday of Christ, Best time of year to sell goods highly priced, For peace on earth we will run amok, Religiously devoted to making a buck.

  Y is for yardstick, we measure success By the money we make by making a mess. ''I've made billions of dollars,'' a Mr Lee nags, ''Out of styrofoam boxes and new plastic bags.''   Z is for zig-zag, how people here drive, One hand on the horn, so they know they're alive. Saving time is a race, and we all have to win it, In a week we could save as much as a minute.



Rhyme and reason to life in Hongkong