HONG Kong people are nervous about People's Liberation Army soldiers coming here. So what do PLA chiefs do? They organise a show, demonstrating how their soldiers can use a huge variety of weapons to blow people's heads off. Brilliant. We are told that the garrison in Shenzhen is undergoing training in 'Hong Kong's way of life'. Although visitors are not allowed to sit in on lessons, I just happen to have received an exclusive copy of their Seven Golden Rules crib sheet. 1. When on duty in Hong Kong, do not wear your green PLA jacket and cap with blue jeans, unless they are Levi 501s. 2. When turning into a T-junction, use the barrel of your tank to indicate whether you wish to turn right or left. 3. Do not approach Western tourists with the words, 'change money, best price'. 4. When you receive your uniform from the quartermaster, remember to specify how you want it: too big or too small. 5. When the 'at ease' command is given, remember not to sit on the pavement chewing a blade of grass. 6. Do not offer to buy a round of drinks for the house at JJs, even on pay day. 7. Do not operate chains of karaoke clubs, nightclubs or brothels in your spare time, unless you are lieutenant-colonel rank or above. SOME drunken gweilos from Lamma contacted me to let me know that none of them would be willing to stand as first chief executive of Hong Kong, if so nominated. Thanks, lads. I'll alert the rest of the media. EUAN Barty yesterday told me that the excellent Spice Island restaurant in Wellington Street is serving beer brewed by 'Inertia Industries' of Haryana, India. 'Since the manufacturers got off their backsides long enough to produce a palatable ale, I can only assume the inertia is what happens to the drinkers after a while,' he said. Chief Justice Sir Ti Liang Yang has understandably become careful about revealing his political views in public places. This was not always so. In his recently published translation of the novel General Yue Fei, he writes about his hatred of the story's baddie: 'Such was my disgust that when I visited Yue Fei's mausoleum at Hangzhou City as a boy of eight or nine, I showed my contempt for Qin Kuai by spitting and urinating on the bronze statues of him and his wife.' Well done, Sir T L, that's the style of no-nonsense, fearless criticism that we need to see more of. FRED Fredricks yesterday showed me a letter that he and other residents of 129 Caine Road have received from Hong Kong Electric. 'Temporary suspension of electricity, 7th February 1886,' it says. 'Bit late to tell us about it now,' said Fred. MIKE Yalden called to ask whether there was a misprint in yesterday's newspaper, where it was said that Penthouse pets would be in Hong Kong to do a bus display. 'Surely it should have been bust display?' Mike said. WHARF Holdings spokesman Nick Thompson chanced upon a disposable cigarette lighter in Park 'N Shop yesterday. The brand name: 'Forever.' TED Thomas yesterday showed me the name card of Robert Cheung, assistant vice-president of Hecny Group, Kowloon, which lists the company's activities: 'Air Freight, Ocean Freight, Customs Broken.' What does this last activity entail? Does he study cultural conventions and then do the opposite? FROM American talkshow host Jay Leno: 'Michael Jackson is very depressed about the divorce. His friends are trying to snap him out of it. One of them tried to get Michael excited about going to Toys 'R' Us. But Michael said: 'I don't want to go there. Those places are just meat markets.' ' Send ingredients to the Spice Trader by phone: 2565-2624; fax: 2565-2626; or e-mail: spice mp.com
