DR FUNG opened up his ancient, dusty tomes (actually, a pile of exercise books from Wellcome) to reveal page after page of tight, illegible scribble. The contents turned out to be a hotch-potch of apparently unconnected facts: the birth dates of criminals convicted in the Supreme Court of Hong Kong; data about the heads of listed companies in the territory; and a plethora of astrological charts and readings. For the good Dr Fung (not his real name) is a geomantic hobbyist, believing there are causative links between astrological movements and modern society. The America-born stargazer from Tai Hang Road has prepared a lunar astrology table allegedly based on observations of the Hong Kong business world over three years. To mark the start of the Lunar New Year (Lai See will present a more traditional diet of snippets from Monday), for today it's excerpts from the geomancer's findings - surely the most gloriously honest horoscope in the world. Dr Fung, whom I suspect has his tongue firmly in his cheek, warned: 'I would like to make it clear that this is not an attempt to offend any individual or group. It is an attempt to offend all individuals and groups.' If, by any chance, you think you can identify which real-life individuals he had in mind, please write the answers on a postcard and send it to: The Tseung Kwan O Stage III Landfill, Junk Bay, Kowloon. RAT (1936, '48, '60, '72): If you were born in the year of the rat, you are suave and sociable, with a romantic streak and a genuine talent at seduction. You are wildly creative, especially when it comes to filling in your tax bill. Your curriculum vitae is a pack of lies. OX ('37, '49, '61, '73): You are steadfast and practical, authoritative and talented, but rather too cautious for your own good. Hair grows sideways out of your ears in a manner that makes people physically recoil from you. You are a sicko. TIGER ('38, '50, '62, '74): Unpredictable and freedom-loving, your spirit of liberality is refreshing to everyone who meets you. You have lost billions of dollars for your company, but have disguised it by cooking the books. You smell funny but no one wants to tell you. RABBIT ('39, '51, '63, '75): You rabbits are refined and chivalrous beasts. Ironically, you also have paranoid tendencies, thinking everyone is out to get you. In your case, you are right, as you are a pathetic, horrible person who is universally loathed. DRAGON ('40, '52, '64, '76): Strong-willed and dominant, you operate on a string of impulsive decisions. Your bursts of magnanimity make you popular, but your habit of getting your triad friends to rough up your critics lowers your averages on the good-citizen scale. You will die of syphilis. SNAKE ('41, '53, '65, '77): You have a strongly epicurean nature, with a passion for the good life. You are prone to sessions of profound thought, alternating with periods of day-dreaming. You molest domestic helpers, and feel guilty that you enjoy your work as a drug courier too much. HORSE ('42, '54, '66, '78): Exuberant and flirtatious, you are one of the most entertaining people in your social circle. You are physically active and broad-minded, which is a good thing, considering that your main hobbies are incest and supporting the Liberal Party. GOAT ('43, '55, '67, '79): Despite a cultured exterior, goats are prone to abandoning their inhibitions, thus giving rise to the ancient Chinese phrase, 'Go on then, you randy old goat'. You fall asleep when being made love to. MONKEY ('44, '56, '68, '80): Provocative and deceptive, the monkey is known for touchiness and ego-centricity. You would be a shallow conman if you were more intelligent. You fall asleep while making love. ROOSTER ('45, '57, '69, '81): You are stylish, given to ostentation and known for your fastidious, fussy manners. But under it all, you are completely different. You are wanted for crimes under various names in at least three countries. DOG ('46, '58, '70, '82): Protective and warm-hearted, your stubborn streak can be forgiven. Your aggression is a problem, particularly your liking for random violence and obscene phone calls. Hobby: Dragging people into stairwells. PIG ('47, '59, '71, '83): Impartial and honest, the reliable pig is one of the most astute signs. Pity then that your coy, home-loving image covers a tendency to sue everyone in sight, including members of your own family. Your driving ambition is to make a hoax phone call to the Queen of England.