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SCMP Reporter

I really don't fancy getting the human version of Mad Cow Disease, do you? Have you read about the symptoms? They sound awful. There are three primary signs that you have the first stage of the disease.

  First, you get confused and start to forget little things.

  Second . . .

  Er. Second . . . No. It's gone. Sorry.

  What were we talking about? Oh yes, Mad Cow Disease. The first stage is that you start to forget little things. Did I already say that?   The second stage is that you become unbearably depressed, and absolutely nothing will cheer you up. The third stage sees the sufferer displaying irrational bouts of anger and belligerence, before painfully succumbing to the inevitable.

  Right at the end, you start to talk with a Teutonic accent and go around telling everyone that your name is Jakob Creutzfeldt. No, that last bit is a joke of course.

  Actually, I shouldn't be flippant. The whole thing just sounds so sad. So terribly, terribly sad. It just breaks me up to think about those poor, poor people, suffering so dreadfully. Oh God, life is just so awful, isn't it? I don't know why I shouldn't just end it all right now.

  Ahem. Excuse me. Don't know what came over me just then. I shall attempt to pull myself together. That's better. I'm fine now.

  I don't want your pitying looks. I said I'M FINE. What are you staring at, eh? Just reading the paper, you say? Looking for trouble, more like. I know your sort. Watch yourself, sonny.

  Anyway, since Hong Kong is primarily a business town, I asked a technical analyst friend of mine to work out the probability of catching the thing.

  'Easy,' he said. 'First you input the number of sufferers against the total population of beef eaters.'   Ten people in the United Kingdom are suspected of having caught it from beef, out of a population of about 55 million meat-eaters. But the lengthy incubation period means that the figure could be considerably higher, so he multiplied the number of sufferers by 100. This makes the risk one in 55,000 for eaters of British beef.

  The chances of being killed in a plane crash during your lifetime is one in 20,000, or twice as great.

  The chance of losing your life savings by playing the share markets is much higher, and can be worse than one in two, if you do something stupid, like put it in Hong Kong stocks.

  His verdict: 'On the stats, British beef shouldn't be banned.' This accords with the view of Director of Health Margaret Chan Fung Fu-chan.

  Salted fish, popular in Hong Kong, has such a high likelihood of giving consumers cancer, that packets should really come with vouchers for wigs or baseball caps.

  Anyway, sensible statistics have nothing to do with the politics of panic, so beef from the UK has been banned here and in most countries in the world.

  Meanwhile, what do people eat? Here is a list of real-life, offbeat dishes compiled by American writer Stephen Spignesi.

  Roast caterpillars are big in Laos (salt, fry, and serve with steamed rice).

  Cow-brain fritters are a French delicacy (mash brains, mix with spinach, fry).

  Sun-dried maggots are a popular dish in China (leave fly larvae in the sun until crisp, serve as side dish or eat as a snack).

  Lamb brain tacos go down well in Mexico (chop brain, fry with onions and chillis).

  White ant pie is big in Zanzibar (mix white termites with sugar and banana flour).

  Show a Zanzibarian a British filet mignon, and he will no doubt react with horror. 'Ugh. The mere thought puts me off the termite wriggling in my mouth.'   Do the above dishes sound disgusting to you? Well, you know someone in Hong Kong who eats several insects a week. Who is it? You, dear reader. We all eat insects pretty much all the time.

  People working in the food industry recognise the following as 'acceptable' limits of contamination.

  Canned mushrooms: Up to 20 maggots or 75 mites per 100 grams.

  Peanut butter: Average of 30 insect fragments or one rodent hair, per 100 grams.

  Pepper: One per cent of excreta per one pound sample.

  Does all this sound revolting? Well, these are the levels set by the US Food and Drug Administration. Well, it's the weekend, so I hope you'll relax and eat lots of nice meals. Bon appetit.

  And by ze vay. I vud like from now on for you to be calling me Jakob, is zat okay vit you, ja? 



Bull market? No, it's mad brokers' disease