Disaster. Your Humble Narrator is due to have a new book out in June, but the project was hit by an awkward problem. I realise this news will be greeted by the great book-reading public of Hong Kong with spectacular public displays of complete indifference.
The novel, Asian Values , has a simple plot. University students handcuff two strangers together as a prank. If they stay shackled together for 24 hours, they raise a fortune for charity. But there's a hitch. One victim is an Asian businessman (you know, rapist of rainforests and stuff). The other is a female Western tree-hugging feminist.
My problem arose when I gave the text to Sussy Chako, a Hong Kong-based Chinese-American novelist, to criticise (ie, praise).
'It almost works,' she said. 'But it's not authentic enough. You should really live the story yourself, feel their pain.' This was completely ridiculous and out of the question, of course. No sane person would allow himself to be chained to a complete stranger of a different culture and sex for 24 hours.
So, naturally, I agreed. The publisher stumped up cash to cover an advertisement and pay-packet for a 'research assistant desperately sought for temporary joint venture'.
My wife nobly volunteered to select the female victim. This being the case, I assumed I would be attached to be an elderly female street-sleeper with tentacles. But she selected Susie Wilkins, an attractive, red-headed, 18-year-old singer. (Is any further proof needed of the gulf between male and female logic?) Eric Lockeyear, of the Royal Hong Kong Police, lent us some cuffs. The publisher shackled Ms Wilkins and Your Humble Narrator together at noon on Thursday for 24 hours.