Doncha just hate all the offices, banks and government departments in Hong Kong which have installed voice-mail machines that lead nowhere? They should be illegal.
'Thank you for calling Impenetrable Company Ltd. To hear me saying goodbye and slamming the phone down in English, press one. To hear me saying joi gin and slamming the phone down in Cantonese, press two. You choose, sucker.' If a tape has to answer your phone, at least make the greeting interesting.
Here's a selection of messages, useable on office or home phones, sent in by Shane Abrahams and Ronald Yu: 1. 'Hi. Now you say something.' 2. 'Hello. I'm Lai See's answering machine. What are you?' 3. 'Hi, this is Lai See's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to suggestions.' 4. 'Hi! Lai See's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.' 5. 'Hello. You are talking to a machine. My owners are not interested in forex investment opportunities, or any other telemarketed products. They already own an apartment in Bali. If you are still with me, leave a message.' 6. 'This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.' 7. 'You have reached 2565 2624 . . . Why?' 8. 'This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.' 9. 'You have reached 2565 2624. This is an answering machine. This is the nineties. You know what to do.' The principle that most people already know that you are supposed to leave your name and number after a beep can be exploited to great effect. I knew a punk rock fan, whose entire answerphone greeting went like this: [Loud obnoxious music. Voice screaming over the top of it.] ' &% Beeeeeeeep .
Despite the unorthodox greeting, everyone left messages, including her mother.
The message Your Humble Narrator used which caused the most reaction among callers went like this: 'Hello? [Pause.] Hello? [Pause.] Anyone there? [Pause.] Is there anyone there? [Pause.] Fooled you - this is an answering machine, leave your name and . . . etc etc.' Of course, sometimes voice mail and answering machines can be preferable to human beings.
A member of the public wanting to relate to the public relations person at Philip Morris's Hong Kong office phoned the company on Tuesday this week.
