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SCMP Reporter

Officers of Shanghai Customs looked at the paperwork they had been handed and decided something was wrong. A company claimed to be exporting a shipment of 3,720 garments, valued at US$6.6 billion.

  This meant that each garment in the consignment was worth a hefty US$1,774,194, or HK$13,719,490. Quite a lot for a blouse, even by the standards of decadent, barbarian, round-eye women.

  They opened the boxes and found clothes worth less than US$5 each. The company was fined 8,000 yuan (about HK$7,438) for the 'error'. Xinhua (the New China News Agency) failed to report the name of the company.

  Chinese companies often boost the value of their exports in the hope of getting bigger tax rebates.

  The saddest thing is that the report quotes customs department official saying that it took action 'in order to maintain the accuracy of its statistics'.

  Not because they were interested in right and wrong, or following the law, or preventing scams. Just to maintain the accuracy of its statistics. Seen at the Star Ferry: a young Filipina sitting at a shoe-shiner's stall having her footwear polished.

  Surprised passers-by, used only to seeing businessmen using this service, strolled up to take a closer look.

  Her dainty feet were enclosed in a large pair of brown, men's leather lace-ups.

  Yes, Hong Kongers have found yet another task for domestic helpers. Mobile shoe trees. Taikoo Shing (Management), the company that runs the mammoth Swire Properties complex on the east of Hong Kong island, invited all residents to attend Taikoo Shing Fun Day 1996 and consume 'mouthwashing snacks'.

  Resident Julie Chew, who works for Instinet, said: 'Maybe they have the same effect as the hydrogen peroxide wonder cure.' The KCRC had a large electronic message displayed to passengers at Lowu station yesterday: 'All stations will depart from platform three.'   Just for a change, the stations will go run around while the trains stay at home. Residents of Cheung Chau yesterday told me they were getting mightily fed up of being asked: 'Are you having a party to celebrate your Olympics win? Did you actually know San San?'   Even Hong Kong Ferry have joined in the fun, dressing up the Cheung Chau ferry with flags. You'd think they'd be jealous that a Cheung Chau resident has found a faster way of travelling over water.

  The Economic Times yesterday recommended that the Queen give her an MBE and the Chinese Government make her a Hong Kong delegate for the National People's Congress.

  Incidentally, several readers have asked what anthem will be played if a Hong Kong person wins a medal at the next Olympics. Suggestions: Money, Money Money; Hey Big Spender; Money (That's What I Want); If I Were a Rich Man; Brass in Pocket; Money Makes the World Go Around etc etc. E-mail from Stephanie Mitchell: 'Would you believe the first item on the Wellcome Supermarket Cyber-Shopping page under 'Desserts' is . . . . (drum roll please) . . . 'Luncheon Meat'?'   What? You've never tried Wellcome luncheon meat a la mode with vanilla ice cream and a glace cherry, Stephanie? There is some interesting reading in the latest issue of Around the Bay , the Discovery Bay magazine. The letters page contains heavy criticism of an incident in an earlier issue, in which editor Perry Siu added a sick joke about Hitler to an innocent letter from resident Alison Bareham.

  At the end of the letters page is a little announcement in a box. 'Position Vacant. Around the Bay invites applications for the position of Editor.' Mr Siu has resigned.

 Dan Wong was shocked to hear a pop song playing in Marathon Sports in Theatre Lane, Central. It was full of phrases such as 'itsy bitsy' and 'teeny-weeny' but it was not about a polka-dot bikini. It was a woman singing about how she doesn't like men with small attributes.

  While Dan was horrified, his 15-year-old son took it in his stride.

  'It's from the 20 Sticky Fingers album and it's called Don't Want No Short D*** Man ,' the boy said.

  There should be a certificate identifying things which are 'Not suitable for adults'.

 Kim Duffy of TSW International, a computer firm involved with Chek Lap Kok airport, was quoted yesterday as saying: 'On some facilities we have achieved a 150 per cent saving.'   Alan Calder of the Companies Registry commented: 'Brilliant. The Airport Authority is now getting firms to pay for the privilege of maintaining the airport.' 



Lies, damned lies and garment shipments