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SCMP Reporter

Sixteen-year-old Chan Tin-chi says he loves his father. But he cannot recall his dad's age or his birthday, and only vaguely knows his father is a restaurant manager working a 14-hour shift every day.

  The father and son live together but they only have dinner once or twice a year and do not share any personal experiences.

  'We seldom talk because we barely see each other,' Tin-chi says.

  'He works from 10am until midnight. He has three days off every month but I prefer to go out when he is at home.

  'We do not have any major conflicts but we are just not used to facing each other. When I initiate a conversation, he only gives short replies, and does not show any interest.

  'We have been like strangers for years but neither of us seems to care,' the teenager says.

  'I have a better relationship with my mother. Of course, she nags me but I can tease her and she laughs at my jokes. That never happens with my father.'   Tin-chi is not alone in finding his relationship with his father distant. A recent study, the first to investigate father-teenager relations in Hong Kong, shows the average adolescent finds it difficult to relate to their father.

  The survey, conducted among more than 1,200 Form Two to Form Six students of both sexes and 10 sample households, found most teenagers in local Chinese families are alienated from their fathers, not through conflict but lack of communication. Participants came from a range of economic backgrounds.

  The study found confrontations and disputes with mothers are far more common - yet boys and girls see their mothers as the better parent because they also talk more and have more contact, building up an intimate relationship.

  'Conflicts can be a way of communication if they are handled properly,' says Sandra Ho Tsang Kit-man, psychologist and lecturer from the social work and social administration department at the University of Hong Kong, who conducted the study.

  'Lack of conflict does not necessarily imply a good relationship. It can mean lack of interaction, indifference and an absence of emotional attachment.'   The main cause of the distant relationship between adolescents and their fathers is the small amount of time spent together, she says.

  The study shows teenagers spend an average of 41.6 minutes per day talking to their mothers but only 26.9 minutes with their fathers. On average they have dinner with their mothers 6.14 nights per week, and the fathers, 5.14 nights.

  Although 42.9 per cent of the adolescents surveyed consider a relationship with their fathers very important, the bond is financial rather than emotional.

  Fathers are perceived as major breadwinners to whom the teenagers can turn for financial support, Ms Tsang believes.

  When it comes to seeking help for emotional needs, mothers are more likely to be called on.

  Ms Tsang suggests the lack of conflict between men and their children may represent a refusal to face up to family problems.

  Her research shows most fathers and children use avoidance tactics when disputes arise. They do not usually have acrimonious rows and will not seek external help to assist reconciliation.

  Disputes with mothers are dealt with in a more open manner because teenagers find mothers are better equipped with conflict management skills. Once differences are resolved, adolescents can relate better with their mothers, the study points out.

  If problems with fathers are pushed aside, they eventually deteriorate into serious confrontations, further souring the ties.

  Principal social worker from the Hong Kong Family Welfare Society Annie Lo Ka-lok agrees fathers often play a smaller role in parenting.

  'Women are more family oriented and they still play a more important role in child-minding. Fathers always take up a distant or marginalised role,' she says.

  For the 12 months starting April 1995, the society organised 14 parental education groups for mothers. Only two were arranged for fathers due to insufficient interest. Men were in the minority in the 129 mixed-parent groups.

  'Fathers miss a lot of fun and affection derived from family life if they concentrate on their work only,' Ms Lo says.

   'It is difficult to tell how the adolescents will be affected because teenagers identify with people they respect. They may find an indifferent father worth their respect and imitate him, or they may think otherwise.'   Land of Virtue Centre family counsellor Josephine Leo Fung-ming feels the situation may lead teenagers, especially boys, to adopt the attitude of their fathers, turning them into alienated parents as well.

  'Adolescents may turn out to be cool, narcissistic and self-centred,' Ms Leo explains.

  'They may have problems with relationships and identity crises.'   To help relations, Ms Tsang suggests teenagers should learn to be more open with their fathers while the latter should stop trying to stay out of their children's lives.

  'Fathers should give more rewards to their children and try to spend more time with them, for example, by coming home for dinner. They should also try to use more problem-solving tactics instead of avoidance,' she says.

  'To help improve the situation, teenagers can take the initiative to communicate with their fathers.' 



Dads keep their distance at home