Name: The Hong Kong Censor. Age: Middle. Occupation: Making rules that are guaranteed to have any intelligent, liberal person up in arms. Although his official job description involves phrases like 'safeguarding the public sensibilities'. Real job: He or she has is usually involved in business but has been elected to the Obscene Articles Tribunal by virtue of being a big wig. And in case you are wondering what kind of preparation being a Hong Kong land developer is for a censor's job, then you get your answer every time these jokers make a ruling. Closely related to: The 'Victorian Father' character from the British comic Viz. He's the stern, moustachioed disciplinarian who is constantly chiding his wife and kids for their lewd behaviour and covering up exposed chair legs, when, of course, he is the biggest pervert of them all. Classic Rulings: The New Man fiasco, Michelangelo's dirty David, the burn victim boy as an obscenity judgment, of course the 'he may be a great French artist, but that Manet quite frankly produced work that is harmfu to children' classic. Family life: One can only speculate, but it probably doesn't involve wandering about at home without any clothes on, nor does it involve gather-around-the-television sessions involving back-to-back screenings of classic episodes of the Simpsons likely. One suspects that any pieces of art hanging around the house are more likely to be of the Norman Rockwell to Chinese landscape variety than, say, Robert Mapplethorpe. One also suspects that the family outings do not involve luncheon by Parisian rivers with naked models in attendance. Judging by the standard which apply to Hong Kong television and also at cinemas, it would be logical to assume that the censor will not be seen his giving his wife a sloppy kiss in front of the kids but will probably feel quite comfortable about punching her repeatedly in the face then blowing a hole in her with an Arnie-sized gun. International associates: Good old Mary Whitehouse in Britain, Bob Dole and Tipper Gore in America as well as those parents who try and keep nasty lyrics away from their kids but are perfectly happy to keep a gun in the house. Most likely to say (1): We Chinese/Hong Kong people have different standards. You may say it's art, but a naked body is a naked body. Most likely to say (2): You newspapers are always stirring up trouble. Things'll be different in a year or two, just you wait and see. Least likely to say: Look, it's only right that we display double standards. After all, this is a city where most men's first sexual experience is with a prostitute, but where they cower at a secretary's bark, a place where you never see a kiss on television but actresses regularly sell themseves to advance their careers, where business people like ourseves think nothing of entertaining clients in hostess cl8b but then go home to our wonderfully strong family units.