People all over Hong Kong are receiving flattering letters. You are being considered for inclusion into the 1998 edition of Marquis Who's Who in the World , it says. One of the recipients, Alexander Wetton, read with interest that the editors of this illustrious organ are compiling the 15th edition of what they call an 'essential record'. 'They are seeking details on me - humble businessman that I am - for inclusion,' he initially thought, with surprise and pride, like, no doubt, hundreds of other people in Hong Kong. The editors congratulate recipients on 'the achievements that have brought your name to the attention of our editorial committee'. Well, that really makes your day, doesn't it? I received a similar letter myself, and felt good that my achievements had finally been recognised, notwithstanding the fact that I could not think of any. Then I did the same thing Alexander did. Turned the letter over and noticed who it had been addressed to. 'Dear Professional,' it began. Yes, your great achievement which won you a place in this book, was to get yourself on to a junk mail list. The Urban Council appears to have developed a new sporting activity, I hear from Lowell Cloete of Deloitte's. 'The in-field track at Happy Valley refers to 'Walkers' and 'Jogglers',' Lowell said. Here's a lesson about reading the small print. Tim Roberts of Clovelly Path received a flier from Hong Kong Telecom CSL. 'You can enjoy the lowest ever flat rate of just $5.99 per minute. That's total savings of up to 71 per cent! *** What's more, this amazing offer is valid until the end of December.' Note the three little asterisks. Cast your eye to the small print at the bottom of the page and you read: '*** As compared to standard IDD rate from Hong Kong to Egypt at $21 per minute.' Egypt? Well, that's going to transform the lives of most people here, and no mistake. There was an item in the paper on Friday which said, in its entirety: 'A mainland woman, 29, was arrested for overstaying her permit after she gave birth at a bus stop in Cheung Sha Wan Road.' One cannot help but posit that there might be a connection between the length of time one has to wait for a bus these days, the expiration of her visa, and the fact that she gave birth while waiting. My old pal Dudley Moore is about to swing into Hong Kong, I hear. It will be announced in a few days that the comedian-musician-movie star will be performing at the Cultural Centre in Kowloon on November 19. As well as telling jokes, he will show off his piano virtuosity. Dud has been invited to Hong Kong by Jeffrey Cheen, the impresario who is famed for introducing bits of the East to Western audiences and vice versa - he was the chap who discovered the Beijing Reggae All-Stars. Jeffrey has reserved some seats for readers of this column who call 2543 8981 and say that Lai See sent you. You still have to pay for your ticket, but you get in ahead of the rabble and are promised a seat with a good view. Unlike 'Arthur', Dudley's film persona, the British actor has got his private life sorted out. He married wife No 4, Nicole, in April this year. 'The ceremony was short and funny,' said Nicole. 'Like me,' said Dud. Moody's, the financial rating agency has slapped a rating of 'Baa1' on the Bank of China's note issue. It is hard to avoid reading this as Baal, the biblical character. Baal, you recall, was a pagan deity who was associated with amazing fertility, but could be an unpleasant bully at times. Not that this has anything to do with anything. Sharing a phone line at China Light and Power in Hong Kong are Rex Wong and Regina Wong, I heard from a mole. In Latin, their names are King Wong and Queen Wong. E-mail users, beware. A flurry of electronic chain letters has reached Hong Kong. One asks you to spread the warning that an e-mail message called Good Times is circulating, and contains a hidden virus that will destroy all your computer data. Another asks you to distribute a cookie recipe as a plot against a corporation which copyrighted it. Neither is remotely true. Why is it that the same mischievous nerds who cause all this trouble are the same ones who complain when overloaded computer networks slow down? Just a thought: A jiffy is an actual unit of time. It lasts 1/100th of a second.