MONDAY O J Simpson races to his bank to withdraw his last three million bucks. In the bank manager's office he finds his lawyers, one of whom says: 'Sorry, Juice, we got it first.' Tung Chee-hwa complains that Martin Lee Chu-ming's actions are giving Hong Kong a bad image. 'I will give you some concrete examples as soon as I finish making this bonfire out of the laws protecting human rights,' Mr Tung says.
Michael Jackson rewrites the lyrics of Billie Jean to run: 'She says I am the one/ and the kid is definitely my son/ so stick that in your pipes and smoke it/ people who think I am unable to fulfil normal male functions.' British official Malcolm Rifkind flies into Hong Kong to talk to legislators about the distribution of British passports. Immigration officials warn him he will no longer be able to make working visits to Hong Kong without proving no one in the territory can do his job.
TUESDAY Chris Patten is asked how he managed to persuade British Home Secretary Michael Howard to lift his opposition to giving passports to Indians in Hong Kong.
'We debated the matter like civilised human beings,' says Mr Patten. 'And then I threatened to insert a vindaloo chilli into a selected orifice of his.' The parents of murder victim Nicole Brown note that for the first time in three years, O J Simpson looks tearful and unhappy. He is weeping and sniffing. 'People call me a murderer, but really I am just a man who has suffered a terrible, terrible loss,' says Simpson. 'God, how I loved that bank account.' Liam Gallagher of the pop group Oasis cancels a tour, publicly defends drug use, beats up fellow band members, swears at photographers, trashes a hotel room, and then cancels his wedding yet again. When interviewed afterwards, he says: 'We blame our problems on bad behaviour by the media.' WEDNESDAY Eight thousand brown-skinned Hong Kongers queue up at the new British embassy in Admiralty to register for British passports. A spokesman for the Indian Resources Group says: 'We were born here, our parents were born here, we speak the local Chinese dialect, our homes and businesses are here, and we never intend to leave. Therefore it is only logical we should be given passports from a small country 10,000 kilometres away.' O J Simpson decides he need to find a job to pay his fines, so he asks an employment agency to find some work for him. The Ginsu knives company shows an interest.
In Hong Kong, the Legislative Council reopens after its Lunar New Year break. The members who are going to be chucked out start preparations to elaborately booby-trap their seats.
THURSDAY Eight thousand British citizens queue up at the territory's Immigration Office to register for work visas.