MONDAY At a meeting in Scotland of the scientists who cloned sheep and monkeys, a joint statement is released: 'We are not ready to start cloning humans. We are first going to try to clone an intermediate species, such as New York taxi drivers.' A Hong Kong film director turns up at a pre-production meeting of a US$100 million movie in Hollywood. The project is put on hold after he tells the producer: 'Script? Plot? Storyboard? What are they?' In a mansion in the Philippines, Imelda Marcos takes a flashlight and tiptoes to the refrigerated tomb of her husband Ferdinand to see if interruptions in the power supply have had any effect. 'He doesn't look any different,' she says, upon emerging. 'Only he's started moving about.' In Washington, Hillary Clinton, thrilled at having won a Grammy Award, bumps into husband Bill, who is smugly clutching a trophy himself. 'I got a post-dated Critic's Choice Oscar for Best Acting,' says the President. 'It's for my work last week looking innocent during the White House fund-raising probe.' TUESDAY The experiment that produced a cloned sheep is reproduced at the Hong Kong University of Science and Technology. However, the two resulting sheep are found dead after a shower. A spokesman said: 'Like all Hong Kong wool products, their coats shrank when wet, asphyxiating them.' Boris Yeltsin admits he is ashamed pensioners in Russia are not getting their money. 'Your pensions are the Government's top priority, straight after the vodka supply to my office.' In Hong Kong, a man walking his dog meets a furtive-looking man on Bowen Road with a bag of strange-looking chicken portions. The pet owner says: 'At first I was suspicious, but then he explained that the chicken portions were for feeding sparrows.' In Germany, scientists manage to decipher an inscription on the oldest spears ever found. The words say: 'Spears don't kill hominids. Hominids kill hominids. Support your local spear-lobby.' WEDNESDAY Princess Diana settles a libel case against a British newspaper which said she was going to profit from a charity auction of her dresses. She tells the editor: 'I'll forgive the debt if you start a new 10-part series, Collected Libel and Slander About Prince Charles.' In Hong Kong, collectable phonecards of the 28 British governors prove a sell-out. 'We just think they look really good,' said a spokesman for the Xinhua In-House Darts Team, which bought the entire supply. And from elsewhere in Asia: Jealous of the excitement created by the Grammy Awards in America, Bangkok institutes Asia's first 'Pirate Tape Cassette Grammy Awards', with first prize to a Shenzhen-produced 'C90' with one and a half Madonna albums. New York Mayor Rudolph Guiliani, after his success in drag on stage, changes the city's nickname to The Big Apples. THURSDAY A group of British passport-holders arrives at Kai Tak. They tell the immigration office staff that they originally came from Britain to work in Hong Kong as civil servants, and then retired last year to the UK, but had now flown back to the territory so they can be officially sent back to the UK on a boat. The group is offered free government transport - to Castle Peak mental home. In London, Princess Diana unveils another new logo she has designed for herself: The silhouette of a figure with big ears being crushed under a giant letter 'D'. Following the theft of a tape of top UK pop group Oasis from a recording studio, the country's second most popular group Blur releases an album called: It Wasn't Us And You Can't Have It Back Because We've Destroyed It Anyway. The three tenors apologise to fans in Australia for the poor sound quality last week in Melbourne. A technician says: 'The main speaker was behind the singers and the sound was largely absorbed by Pavarotti's torso.' FRIDAY In Hong Kong, former auxiliary government employee Yaqub Khan is re-hired by the civil service as food-taster for Whisky Patten. In Washington, Bill Clinton issues a statement: 'I regret charging donors US$100,000 to sleep in the Lincoln bedroom at the White House. To make amends, I will move into the Lincoln room myself, and pay US$10,000 to any female donor who wants to join me.' A renegade scientist at the Hong Kong University of Science and Technology makes a clone of hot new porn star Chung Chen, but then gets nervous about the illegality of the project and throws her out of the window. A police officer says: 'He has been charged with making an obscene clone fall.'