MONDAY In the United States, Bill Clinton offers himself as a guinea pig to test new pills that burn up ugly, useless fat. Later, a White House press officer says: 'Mr Clinton took a large amount of the pills. He feels no ill effects, as he will tell you himself when I get him out of my pocket.' Brooke Shields, determined not to embarrass her new husband by appearing like an airhead, asks Andre Agassi what a comet is. 'It's a star with a tail,' Agassi says. Shields nods. 'I see. You mean, like Bugs Bunny?' In Hong Kong, the Family Planning Association reveals there has been enormous interest in their newly released educational dolls, which have pubic hair and realistic genitals. After studying the dimensions of the doll, a psychologist says: 'Now Hong Kong boys can start suffering inadequacy syndrome before puberty, even.' TUESDAY Police are called to Toys 'R' Us in Tsim Sha Tsui after a commotion in the Barbie and Ken dolls section. Ken reportedly told police: 'I let rip at those smarmy Family Planning dolls after one of them kept dropping his trousers and saying to Barbie: 'Compare our brand with your usual brand.' ' Spin doctors from tobacco firms reveal more details of the US$300 billion deal they are offering to smokers in the United States: 'The money goes to anyone who has smoked a minimum of 40 a day for 60 years or more. Dead people not eligible.' In Cambodia, a passenger plane crashes. The black box flight recorder reveals the pilot's last words were: 'Mr Teng, I'm sorry your window shutter is not sliding up and down smoothly, but shooting it will do no good, so please put your gun awaeeeeeeeeeee.' WEDNESDAY At the Legislative Council, reporters ask the Democratic Alliance for the Betterment of Ourselves why it failed to follow its pledge to fight for more welfare for the elderly in the Budget vote. 'To do so would have called for integrity and independence of mind,' a DAB spokesman said. 'We felt it would have been out of character.' In the United States, Don Johnson of Miami Vice tells a female judge that it is completely untrue that he makes improper sexual demands on women he comes in contact with. 'Look, Judge, I'm putting my hand on my heart, although I would rather put my hand on yours, as you seem pretty perky under that robe.' In Hong Kong, a judiciary spokesman defends its rule that only people with educational qualifications will be allowed to serve on juries. 'We want to avoid situations such as that in OJ Simpson's first trial, where jurors were simply too darn thick to notice the mountains of evidence in front of them.' THURSDAY Baroness Thatcher arrives in Hong Kong to prepare to head the motorcade drive across the Tsing Ma Bridge. Governor Chris Patten orders an extra-wide car to contain her ego. The Duchess of York begins a new career as a columnist for The New York Times. 'Today, I am going to write about the high points of 20th century literature. When Budgie the Helicopter was first published . . .' In a bid to rescue his image, Michael Jackson re-releases his hit record Bad with new lyrics. 'You know I'm bad, I'm bad, really really bad', is changed to: 'You know I'm good, I'm good, almost like a god.' In Hong Kong, a Marine Department spokesman says researchers are setting up an inquiry into the fact that there were no ferry crashes in the past 48 hours: 'It was so unusual we thought we had better look into it.' FRIDAY At the rehearsal for the Tsing Ma Bridge drive, Baroness Thatcher gives a warning: 'We would like it to be known that if there is a traffic problem, the other side will have to back up. This lady's not for turning.' The definition of 'aliens' continues to be a problem in the proposed ordinance which bans funding for political parties from outside Hong Kong. Martin Lee Chu-ming says: 'We would like to make the law clearer, by changing the word 'aliens' to 'extraterrestrials'.' The Royal Observatory reports that the recent cold snap was caused by the rumour that the DAB was going to follow one of its own pledges. A meteorologist said: 'Shortly after the rumour went round, Hell froze over.'