Cinema Licensing Bill.

1. All new cinemas must be up and running for six months, pulling in capacity crowds and working at full stretch so that they are suitable for inspection.

2. During this period NO films or visual matter of any sort will be shown.

3. After six months of successful film-free operation, the tribunal may grant a licence to the cinema to begin showing movies.

Appendix.

Note: During the consultation period before gazetting this Bill, several cinema industry people objected that nobody would come to a cinema and sit in the dark for two hours if there were no films being shown.

This problem was dealt with quickly and efficiently. All objectors were taken to court and banned from showing films in their cinemas for an additional six months.

The hospitality industry source commented: ''There are a number of different ways of efficiently licensing businesses. This is not one of them.'' Robogaffe PHONED Dun and Bradstreet (HK) Information Services on Saturday morning.

The phone was picked up by a robot: ''Our office is open from nine to five o'clock Monday through Friday. Please call back tomorrow.'' Gut instinct PRIVATE eyes from Pinkerton's detective agency in Hongkong told us an exciting tale about a recent assignment they had been on in China.

The operation was a joint one, involving an officer from the mainland equivalent of the customs and excise authorities.

The team was hot on the trail of a consignment of posh designer label belts, which were actually cheap and nasty copies being sold by conmen.

At last they found the counterfeit goods! A whole box of them. They wrenched it open and pulled out the fake designer belts.

The belts seemed strangely familiar - then all eyes turned to the central portion of the mainland customs official, and they realised where they had seen one before.

TRU story MORE compliments about secretaries - and at the same firm.

Bob Rossi of TRU (HK), the Toys 'R' Us people, once had a friend (call him Mr Lee) who was in need of a job. Bob referred him to chief headhunter Glendon Rowell of Boyden International.

Secretary: Mr Rowell's office.

Lee: My name's Mr Lee. I'd like to speak to Mr Rowell please.

Secretary: From which company, please? Lee (with a sigh): My dear, if I were with a company, I wouldn't be telephoning Mr Rowell.

She put him straight through.

Wellcome fate WE were shocked to see the term above on the shelf at Wellcome.

Further examination revealed that it was no insult.

It was a globular product for everyone who carries around a bag.

''Necessary for killing insects and stink in briefcase or any case,'' says the instructions on the back. We must admit we have not had a single ant-hill or wasps' nest in our briefcase since buying this.

Curry favour A MAJOR new problem has been discovered with Hongkong's new currency, we heard from Paul Grover of Datapoint Far East.

A group led by Deacons lawyer Jeremy Graydon was scoffing curry at the Club A-Parmar in Wan Chai. Another group led by his colleague Kim McLeod was doing the same at the next table.

Kim suggested that the tables toss a coin, and the loser should pay both bills.

After searching through their pockets, the diners found they had only new $2 and $5 coins.

But which side is heads and which side is tails? If it lands with the flower up, is that a tail of bauhinia or a head of bauhinia? The lawyers had to borrow a proper coin to flip.

The greatest and most universal decision-making tool known to man has been taken from us.

Creditable effort NICK Park of the Centre for Business and Professional English wrote to Lloyds Bank's credit card department in the UK to tell them that he had moved to a new address in Po Wah Yuen, Yung Shue Wan, Lamma Island, Hongkong.

He got a very efficient-sounding letter back from Lloyds Bank, telling him that the new address had been received.

''The amendment to my records has been made and all future communications will be sent to your new address,'' it said.

The letter was addressed to: Po Wah Yver Ynug Shue War Lamma Island Hongkong Dorset BH 11 4AW Hongkong.

Amazingly, it got to him. All credit to Post Office employees at ''Ynug Shue War.''