MONDAY In the United States, Andre Agassi is upset that he still has not had sex after a week of marriage to Brooke Shields. 'I'm sorry, Andre,' sniffs Shields, 'but I just can't get used to having a ball boy kneeling on each side of the bedroom.' In Hong Kong, a student taking a course with a correspondence 'university' explains how she realised it was a fake: 'I was immediately suspicious when my tutor said I could pay extra to skip the studies and go straight to the robes and mortar stage.' Following the 'burial in space' last week of the ashes of Gene Roddenberry, the creator of Star Trek, Michael Jackson arranges for his old body parts to be sent up on a rocket. 'He's clearing out his former nose storage area to make into a nursery,' his spokesman says. TUESDAY In Hong Kong, a Black Watch member explains why he has no underpants under his kilt. 'If your favourite meal was 12 pints of heavy and a curry, you'd appreciate the speed and convenience of no undies.' In London, pop star Boy George says he will never get involved in a lawsuit again: 'The lawyer asked whether he should refer to me as 'Mr' or 'Ms'. I wasn't prepared for such tough questions.' Madonna, house-hunting in London, is upset when the Queen refuses to sell Buckingham Palace. The singer moans: 'I offered to throw in one of my cone-shaped steel bras, but the old girl obviously ain't a classy dresser.' A coalition of cyberspace groups adds new 'domain' names to Internet addresses. As well as ending in .com, .net and .org, website addresses can now end in .arts and .web. Still under discussion are: .porn, .timewaster, .spotty-nerd and .pathetic-loser. WEDNESDAY In Hong Kong, members of the People's Liberation Army report they have settled well into their new homes. 'The only hiccup was when one of our guys bought a drink in Club Bboss and used up the platoon's entertainment allowance until the year 2008,' an officer says. In Papua New Guinea, evidence is uncovered that suggests mercenaries there did have contact with Hong Kong financial advisers. An explorer says: 'Deep in the jungle, we found a showroom run by soldiers, selling off-the-plan high-rise flats to primitive tribesmen.' Hongkong Bank's 800 cash machines in its home territory are again hit by a computer failure. The theory that technicians at Standard Chartered Bank, which runs a rival network of ATMs, are responsible gains credence after a message appears on Hongkong Bank ATM screens saying: 'We're number two. We hack harder.' THURSDAY In Hong Kong, a man sells a tiny tenement in Kennedy Town for $720,000, and uses the cash to buy the time of royal-for-hire Prince Michael of Kent for a year. 'I thought it would be fun to have my own royal. But she doesn't do my laundry as well as my Filipina.' Still in Hong Kong, a group of super-wealthy businessmen who have become members of the provisional legislature are asked to get on a bus to travel to a meeting in Shenzhen. One member phones the secretariat. 'We agree in principle,' he says. 'But what is 'a bus'?' FRIDAY John Major, furious at losing the British election, accuses the new Prime Minister, Tony Blair, of being a right-winger in left-wing clothes. 'Nonsense,' Mr Blair replies. 'My decision to change my name to 'Maggie II' is purely a matter of personal matter choice.' At a meeting between lawyers in London, the huge fortune of the late Hong Kong financial adviser Leon Richardson is finally divided between his widow and the RSPCA. 'Half of it has gone to the dogs,' the woman says.