Traffic lights, left turns and lipstick

Iconsider myself a good driver. I passed my driving tests in one go four years ago and have crashed only once. All right, twice if you count the tiny accident I had when I whammed into another car in a parking lot the day before my test - but that was only because it was in my way. But don't you think that is a remarkable achievement? Not only because I still passed the next day, but because Hong Kong driving tests are among the hardest in the world? For a start, you must pass a written test before you are allowed to take your lessons and, subsequently, the road test. All right, the written test is easy, given you have both common sense and have read the government-produced 'road users' handbook'. The test is packed with multiple choice questions like: What do you do when you see the red light? a) Stop; b) Continue driving; or c) Put on your lipstick. If you have chosen 'c' you really have problems. Another question was: What do you do when you are at a roundabout? a) Turn right; b) Turn left; c) Go straight ahead. You get my drift. But the Transport Department is not stupid and there is a catch. I was told if you made more than three mistakes, you would fail. So, there are always four questions that are really obscure. And you would not know the answers to them unless you have read the road users' handbook. At this point, I would like to point out you need this guide, which is given to all driving test candidates by the Transport Department, to learn all the road regulations and signs. So don't lose it. If you did (yes, I lost mine) then you would have to go back to the Transport Department for another copy, only to be told they didn't stock them - even though they are the Transport Department - and you would need to get one from a government publication outlet. There, they would tell you the English copies are out of stock. But at least they have a few Chinese copies left and they cost only $12 each. Makes you wonder whether this handbook is on the Government Publications bestsellers' list. But back to the road users' handbook and the more unusual pieces of information you need to know. For instance: When parking on a slope, if your car's bonnet is facing uphill and there is no kerb, do you turn your front wheels to the left or right? And which gear should the car be in when the engine is off? And did you know: Children aged three or below do not count as passengers, and three children aged three or above, at 1.3 metres or below, are counted as two passengers? I did not know either. Anyway, it is after passing your written test that the real challenge begins. First, you have to find a nice driving instructor. I have heard horror stories about instructors who have either a fierce temper (they scream at you if you are driving in the wrong gear) or who wanted their students to fail so they will take more lessons. Luckily, my instructor was the father of a good friend. By sheer coincidence, he also taught my father. 'Oh yes, your father drives a car as if he were driving a plane,' he said. There are three basic techniques learner drivers must master: starting your car on a slope (point of this exercise is not to let the car slip backwards), 'three-point-turn' (here, you must not hit the kerb) and, finally, parking. While the first two exercises are easy, the same cannot be said about parking - especially parallel parking. Even today, I still have problems trying to do this without hitting the car in the front or at the back, or both. Then comes the big day - the road test. This experience has been described as 'hell' or 'unforgettable'. I was lucky. My test fell on a school holiday so there were neither wild and uncontrollable schoolchildren nor wild and equally uncontrollable school buses roaming the streets. But here are a few useful hints for learner drivers when taking a test: 1) Calm your nerves. 2) Get in the driver's seat and not the passenger's seat. 3) Women have been advised to wear a skirt (this is a very sexist society, I am afraid). 4) Exaggerate your movements: spend at least 30 seconds adjusting your rear mirror before starting the car and, once on the road, don't just look ahead but keep swaying (and I mean really swaying) your head to the left then right, and so on. If you are as lucky as I was, then you will get your licence a week after your test. There is only one tip from me for you new drivers: never reverse on a flyover.