Rule at the Sanya International Hotel of Hainan Island, spotted by Mike Speak of Hong Kong University: 'Those animals easily burnt, easily exploded . . . are strongly prohibited to bring to the hotel.' Can anyone tell me which animals explode easily? Our previous editor tended to blow up unexpectedly, but only metaphorically. I know cows can explode if a build-up of their methane emissions is ignited, but I have never found exploding cows a problem in modern hotels. The official slogan of the baffling hotel is: 'Clienteles are god.' I know Hainan is popular with high rollers, but they may not wish to stay in this particular establishment. The rule book says: 'Hotel guest bringing expensive items or big quantity of cash must be kept in the custody of the hotel.' I'd hate to be the staff member who has to break the news to the tycoons: 'I'm sorry, sir, but the rules require that people carrying a lot of money must spend the night in the storage room.' From yesterday's edition of another Hong Kong English language newspaper, spotted by Ron Gullet of Emerson Radio HK: 'The Department [of Health] spokesman urged the public to cook food thoroughly and meat transport workers to prevent contamination of beef by E-coli.' Okay, meat transport workers. Line up and get in the oven NOW. Letter sent by Clive Rigby, boss of Lippo Securities in Hong Kong, to investors (forwarded to me by Haresh Melwani of HM Capital): 'Any purchases or sales of Romanian securities which we make on your behalf are done entirely at your own risk. We will accept no responsibility for settlement, trading, custody, any fund transfers, currency conversions, safekeeping, placing, execution, or cancellation of orders. 'You acknowledge by trading in these securities that the risks are abnormal and unquantifiable. We will endeavour to perform all the normal functions of a securities broker but will not be held liable for any part of the transaction occurring outside our immediate control. 'Please rest assured that we will, nevertheless, charge you commissions with complete efficiency.' This is the name card of Kenneth Chow of On Hing Terrace, Central: 'Kenneth C.K. Chow. 'Member of Preparatory Committee for Hong Kong Special Administrative Region; National Delegate to Chinese People's Political Consultative Conference; Consultant to China Association of Oriental Culture Studies; Special Director and Legal Adviser to China Council for the Promotion of Area Development; Adviser to All China Law Association (Institute for Research on Hong Kong Law); Convenor to Research Group on Trans-97 Hong Kong Laws; Delegate to CPPC of Guangdong Province (1988-1993); Special Director to Guangdong Overseas Friendship Association; Member of the Basic Law Consultative Committee (1985-1990); Honorary Lecturer-in-law University of Hong Kong (1983-1985); Director of the Chinese General Chamber of Commerce . . .' There are more, but I can't be bothered typing them. Perhaps he could just simplify it a bit for his next name card: 'Kenneth C.K. Chow, gratuitous over-achiever.' Brand of underwear spotted in Watson's by James O'Connell: 'Tight Underpants.' What if you deliberately buy a size that's too big for you? Can you then sue them for false description of goods? It reminds me of a product I saw advertised for sale in a Hong Kong newspaper: '144 dozen loose condoms.' Whoever bought them could have sold them without fear. No man is going to charge into Mannings and say: 'Hey, listen, everybody. I want my money back. This condom is WAY too big for me.' The Prime Minister of Thailand, Chavalit Yongchaiyudh, announced this week that he is embarking on the tom yum gung theory of economics. He noticed that the country's blisteringly hot traditional soup was spicy, sour, salty and sweet all at once - persuading him that a balanced mix of financial policies was the answer. 'I've learnt a lot from our Thai cooks,' he told 100 chief executive officers. Why doesn't he do what other Asian leaders do, and simply cook the books? Just a thought: Never lie on your back while wearing a turtle-neck sweater. You might not be able to get up again.
