Arock group has just released a credit card. Remember Kiss, the American band in which members wore bizarre face paint and black skin-tight gear? Well, you can now get a Kiss Visa classic or gold card, marketed by a Los Angeles merchant bank called Wilshire Financial. People who hold the Kiss Visa will get 'special monthly messages' from members of the band, according to Reuters, plus the usual yuppie stuff: car rental discounts, frequent flier miles and so on. Just hold it right there. Rock bands are supposed to be anti-establishment, anti-corporation, anti-everything. They are supposed to be pro-anarchy, pro-bad behaviour and pro-death. Their monthly messages should say 'Die young and burn forever', at the very politest. The only time they should enter merchant banks is to plant bombs in them. Honestly, I don't know what the world is coming to. What next? Will the makers of thriller movies sign product placement pledges promising to promote KPMG Peat Marwick? Actually they have done. This is not a joke. The international accountancy company has paid for their firm to be mentioned 18 times in various Hollywood movies over the next two years. A spokesman for KPMG said that the firm did not want to be associated with 'too much sex'. (Accountants aren't engendered by sex - one buys little ones from shelf companies, and then you feed them mashed profit-and-loss sheets in milk until they grow into big fat senior partners.) The movie deal was revealed by International Accountancy Bulletin . It is considered tricky by Stateside movie-makers, who pride themselves on slipping the product in without viewers noticing. The problem: accountants do not naturally crop up in Hollywood movies. Nobody knows why, other than the fact that they are most boring lumps of solidified matter on the globe. To help our friends in Hollywood, Spice Trader hereby presents five suggestions they can use to fulfil their contracts. 1. Aliens 4 : Sigourney Weaver, regenerated via DNA, is seen doing her tax bill with a friendly KPMG staffer, when a fleet of aliens attack. He offers to help, but she pauses in the doorway to says: 'Thanks, bud. But superb international accountancy is KPMG Peat Marwick Ltd's job. Saving the world from aliens is mine.' 2. Look Who's Talking Four : A couple running a small business is amazed when their annual report starts wise-cracking. 3. More Pulp Fiction : There's trouble in the underworld when a foul-mouthed low life, played by John Travolta, gives up violence and drugs to take a course in re-insurance underwriting and insolvency. 4. Jurassic Park Three: The Lost Bill of Lading : Travelling scientist Jeff Goldblum gets into a mess with his paperwork and urgently needs professional rescue. 5. The Return of Star Wars : Luke Skywalker and Han Solo, now much older than during their first adventures, embark on a mission to save the universe by forcing the ageing Darth Vader and his stormtroopers to submit to an external audit. The toughest challenge in the business-entertainment interface is in the rap field, where you can invest as much as you like in your performers, but they don't have an ounce of street cred unless they've been murdered. A friend of mine in the music business says rap lyrics are so indecipherable that financial backers don't know what they are investing in. Here's help. Just before he was shot to death, Notorious B.I.G. recorded You're Nobody (Til Somebody Kills You) . The first verse of this tender symphonic poem to street life, as you know, goes like this: 'Niggaz in my faction, so black, askin' questions, strictly gun testin', coke measurin', givin pleasure in the Benz-ito, hittin fanny, spendin' chips at Manny's.' Translation: 'Afro-American gentlemen in my social circle, who feel particularly strongly about their culture, are in a state of agitation. They are using firearms regularly, and are engaged in cocaine supply. They enjoy spending time in their limousines, they are vigorous in conjugal activities, and visiting casinos is another popular pastime.' There. Easy. In the meantime, I wonder if this is a good time to release the screenplay I've just written? It's called Four Weddings and an Annual General Meeting . Hugh Grant plays a floppy-haired Englishman who has always avoided personal commitment until one day he meets an American accountant who eventually persuades him to give her his trust. Offshore, non-taxable, of course.