MONDAY Staff at Pui Kiu Middle School in Hong Kong decide to make two changes to the curriculum, now that Tsang Yok-sing, head of the Democratic Alliance for the Betterment of Hong Kong, has announced he is stepping down as headmaster. Stars no longer to be tattooed on children's foreheads. Metalwork department to be allowed to use tools other than hammer and sickle. In the United States, the first results come through from the surveillance experiment in which four guard dogs at a jail in Arizona had video cameras strapped to their heads. 'It wasn't a great success,' the prison governor admits. 'We ended up with 400 hours' close-up video of what dogs see when they sniff each other's bottoms.' TUESDAY In Hong Kong, Chris Patten receives a note from Kenneth Clarke of the Conservative Party in London. 'Dear Chris,' it says. 'We hope you folk haven't been 'spoiled' by having been treated like a royal family for five years. It may be tough to adjust to the poverty-stricken life of a British parliamentarian.' Patten writes back: 'We're not spoiled, Ken. I'll be perfectly happy with basic comforts, such as a palace, a few limousines with crown number plates, a staff of courtiers, a royal yacht, some crown jewels, a sceptre and an ermine coat.' In New York, women's chess champion Susan Polgar challenges Deep Blue, the IBM computer that defeated Garry Kasparov. After two hours the computer resigns, citing the following reasons: She's so illogical. Women are from Venus, computers are from Silicon Valley. She's tickling my cable under the desk with her foot. She keeps talking about commitment and it makes me feel I need some time hanging out with the guys down in the mainframe room. WEDNESDAY Yanni, the New Age musician, sues a Hong Kong critic who described the handover anthem as 'Yanni on a bad day'. 'I do not have bad days,' he tells a court in the territory. 'My music is the same standard every day.' No one disagrees. In California, Pamela Anderson Lee appears in public for the first time since her court victory, in which she said she would never simulate an orgasm on screen. 'From now on I only do that for my husband,' she says. Her husband, a rock musician, says: 'Yeah. Huh?' In Washington, behind locked doors in the White House, Bill Clinton's lawyers work out a line of defence in case he has to stand trial against Paula Jones: poor construction of belt-buckle assemblies in Arkansas makes sudden involuntary dropping of trousers a frequent hazard. THURSDAY In Hong Kong, during assembly at Pui Kiu Middle School, the school cook announces boot polish is no longer to be the main flavouring in the school canteen. In Washington, Bill Clinton's lawyers hit upon another perfect defence strategy: momentary hallucination caused by overwork led the defendant to imagine he had entered a public urinal and he thus made appropriate preparatory adjustments to his clothing and physique. FRIDAY In Hong Kong, the week of reorganisation at Pui Kiu Middle School comes to an end with three adjustments to the school constitution. Games other than patriotic marching henceforth to be allowed in playground during playtime. Sayings Of Chairman Mao no longer to be sole history textbook. School motto for children in their intake year will no longer be: 'Die a thousand deaths, capitalist running-dog sons of whores.' Still in Hong Kong, Chris Patten gets on the phone to Federal Express to make the final vital arrangements for the British withdrawal from Hong Kong: 'I want you to airlift two dozen extra large char siu buns to Bath, UK, every Friday. Got that?'