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SCMP Reporter

MONDAY The Hong Kong Journalists' Association issues a helpful leaflet called Ten Signs You Are Watching Rita Fan's All-Good-News Reunification TV Feed.

 1. The weather girl insists it is 'a perfect sunny day' as a typhoon blows your windows in.

 2. The weather girl is in her 40s and looks suspiciously like Selina Chow.

 3. The news reader pronounces Hong Kong 'Xianggang'.

 4. He doesn't tell you anything.

 5. The financial report consists of a man on a stage in Shenzhen writing property prices on a big whiteboard.

 6. All references to the Governor are in the form 'Criminal-for-a-Thousand-Years Chris Patten said today . . .'  7. Station logo floating permanently on top right of screen is Rita Fan's face.

 8. Astronomy report shows the night sky above Hong Kong featuring one big star and four little ones.

 9. Anchors refer to pretty assistants as 'Comrade Bimbo'.

 10. The MTV music video is always the same song: Everything Is Beautiful.

Researchers in the United States announce the entire stock of Luvox, the new anti-gambling drug, has been bought by Stanley Ho, king of Macau. His spokesman says: 'We need matter for landfill.' TUESDAY Airline staff, protesting at Tung Chee-hwa's call for Hong Kong people to 'drop the baggage' of the 1989 attack on students in Beijing, send him to Beijing and his luggage to an uninhabited atoll in the north Pacific.

Playmates Holdings of Hong Kong, the toy-maker which makes the 'virtual child' Nano Baby, gets a letter from Michael Jackson: 'Send me the biggest one you have.' In the United States, Hillary Clinton explains what her husband meant when he claimed kinship with Elvis: 'I guess they both grew up to be overweight, decadent sex-mad slobs.' WEDNESDAY Following attempts to drop the word 'Independent' from the name Independent Commission Against Corruption, the Hong Kong correspondent from the British newspaper The Independent is told that he will have to change the newspaper's registered office name to 'The'.

In the US, the FutureCar Challenge, a contest to invent a vehicle which does the maximum mileage on the least fuel, is won by a team from China. Their entry: four gruel-fed dissidents on Flying Pigeon bicycles 'motivated' by tanks.

The touring German musician who outraged Israel by signing his name as 'Adolf Hitler' apologises. 'I'm sorry,' he says. 'I just didn't want to use my real name, which is Yasser Arafat Forever.' THURSDAY In Hong Kong, pro-Beijing artists answer critics who complain that they have re-organised the skyline so they could get the Bank of China into the background. An artist explains: 'We found reality was not ideologically correct, so we rectified it. If you don't like it, shut up or the lads will rectify you.' In Europe, reporters in Warsaw identify five rules that show their new theme park is being financed by Michael Jackson.

 1. Jackson to personally accompany any child who enters the Tunnel of Love.

 2. All water in wet rides to be Evian.

 3. On-site chapel to have no worship icons other than statue of Michael left over from HIStory launch.

 4. Bubbles the Chimp to be financial controller.

 5. Jackson to be sole adult attendant at Children's Nap Centre.

FRIDAY A buyer from Hong Kong pays cash for the collection of 14,000 human hearts, offered for sale by cash-strapped St Paul's United Hospital in Minnesota. 'I represent the provisional legislature,' says the buyer. 'We have a shortage of this particular item.' Carlos Leon, father of Madonna's daughter, reveals the reasons the couple split up.

 1. Misled by Like A Virgin lyrics, he was devastated to learn he wasn't her first.

 2. Kept getting stab wounds when making love while she was wearing her pointy bra.

 3. Got deep splinters from notches in bed posts.



Fanning fun on the box