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SCMP Reporter

Impossible to lose money in the Hong Kong property business, Central real estate dealer Ah-Gum said.

 'Even if you own flat for 10 minutes, still make money.'  He meant that literally. In Hong Kong, people own flats for 10 minutes and then resell them further down the queue.

 Inspired by this, Ah-Gum's friend Mr Brown went to a local estate agent called Elaine, who had a cubby-hole office in Aberdeen Street, Central.

 'You want new flat?' asked Elaine.

 'No,' Mr Brown replied. 'Old ones have more character.'  'Yes,' she replied. Chi-seen gweilo , she thought. She continued: 'Uh. You want high floor?'  'No, low floor is better, more convenient.'  'Yes,' she replied. Wah, ho chi-seen gweilo , she thought. 'Uh. You mind four floor?'  'The fourth floor would be fine.'  Unable to prevent herself shaking her head in disbelief, she got out a dusty and long-untouched book of unsaleable flats.

 Mr Brown's Chinese friends also shook their heads when he told them what he was doing.

 'If you buy old flat, how you get bank money to pay for it?'  'I thought I would use my own money,' he said.

 'Waaaah. Ho deen oi-gwok yan [Wow, excessively loony foreigner],' they opined in unison.

 An elderly low-floor flat was eventually found and purchased for a relatively small amount of cash, and Ah-Gum gave his opinion: 'No good, no good. The only good thing about your flat is that it has three bedrooms and two bathrooms, easy to rent.'  Mr Brown then revealed that he had demolished several walls so the flat now had only two bedrooms and one bathroom.

 After getting over a bout of speechlessness, Ah-Gum said: 'Impossible to lose money in property business in Hong Kong. But you done it.'  This was a case which neatly confirmed the common Hong Kong belief that foreigners, poor things, are genetically predisposed to insanity.

 The newspapers are filled with examples, these being my favourite recent four:  1. Ed Peters of the New Territories told me about Jonty Pepperstool, 47, who attended a Calm Your Life workshop in California. At a 'Heal Yourself By Roaring' class, he had an asthma attack. During 'Trampolining For Joy' he had an accident and broke a woman's arm. During the Ayuvedic Yoga lesson, he loudly broke wind. During Animal Therapy class, a lama bit him.

 'Utterly depressed, he ran to his room to hang himself from the light-fitting,' said Ed. 'But the ceiling collapsed on his head.'  2. In May, in Sao Paulo, Brazil, 32-year-old Carlos Eduardo Gomes filled a bank safe with gas and ignited it. Unfortunately, he used too much gas. The explosion blew the roof off the building.

 3. In America's Kalamazoo, Michigan, on New Year's Eve, Derrick Demones Gunn tried to escape from a halfway house prison. He was punished with a one-to-five-year stretch in jail. His attempted break-out took place one day before his original sentence was up.

 4. In December 1992, Ken Charles Barger, 47, went to bed in his house in Newton, North Carolina, with a loaded Smith and Wesson .38 special next to his bed. When the telephone rang in the middle of the night, he woke, confused, picked up the gun, put it to his ear and pulled the trigger. One assumes that his last word was: 'Hello?'  But in reality, Asians are just as bad. There was the man in Saitama, Japan, who, earlier this year, shot someone in a field and explained afterwards: 'I mistook him for a rabbit.'  Then there was 35-year-old Thai construction worker Manee Saisin who, also earlier this year, found a 3.5 metre-long boa constrictor. He decided to carry it home - around his neck. His asphyxiated corpse was found later.

 If you go to Mrs Field's Cookies in Hong Kong, you'll see a sign saying that if you buy six cookies, it will cost you $42.50.

 If you buy only five cookies, it will still cost you $42.50, but staff will tell you that you are getting the sixth one 'free'.

 This is an interesting marketing technique. Why not demand $42.50 from all passers-by and give them six cookies 'free'?  Anyway, there is no conventionally happy ending to this story, except to say that Mr Brown (whose real name and photograph are at the top of this column) has been content in his financially unsound dwelling, while wheeler-dealer Ah-Gum is rich on paper but has a bad stomach ulcer.

 There's something to be said for being a bit stupid.



Something to be said for being a bit stupid