A SYNDICATED advice columnist of my acquaintance, who suffered a massive nervous breakdown as a result of a particularly messy divorce involving at least one member of the British Royal Family, recently checked into Betty Ford for an extensive detoxification programme and a course in aversion therapy to stop her throwing darts into a large bedroom wall poster of Mother Teresa.
She would sob, dropping a couple of Valium sweeteners into the Scotch and trying to steady the arrows.
Still, a professional down to her nicotine finger tips, she was worried about how her readers would cope without her steadying advice and she asked me to look after her column under the timeless heading of ''Aunty Peggy Says . . . '' One letter caught my eye immediately and I answered it urgently. It read: ''Dear Aunty Peggy, ''I see that Mr John Chan has had to resign from his post as Secretary for Education and Manpower for 'personal reasons'. Can you please tell me, what are 'personal reasons'? Do they hurt and how can I tell if I am having one? A lot of girls in my class think that if they have personal reasons, they will have to quit school and stop hanging around in the streets generally.
''By the way, can you get them from boys? I mean, Mr Chan didn't because he already is one so does that mean he got his from the government? Thank you.
''Anson (13)'' ''Dear Anson'', I replied. ''I am a little surprised that, at your age, you have not experienced a personal reason already. However, you may be a late developer and there is no need to worry. Certainly one as young as you could not expect to have a personal reason as big as Mr Chan's civil service pension, although at 407/8, Mr Chan is showing that these things can happen at almost any age, these days.
''Nearly anything can bring on a 'personal reason'. What makes it different from other reasons is that you don't tell other people what it is. This at once fascinates and enrages them and can be quite a turn on all by itself. Sometimes the 'personal reason' can be pleasurable, almost ecstatic. A good example is when someone from an organisation across the street waves a thick wad of money at you through the window.
