MONDAY In London, Prince Edward reveals his three-point plan to turn former royal residence Bagshot Park into a film production house. 1. Thrones to be retained, but moved to stars' dressing rooms. 2. Statues of family members to be replaced by dinosaur animatronix, not that anyone is likely to notice. 3. The 200-strong royal kitchen staff to stand by as personal catering team for Marlon Brando. In Hong Kong, housing chiefs hold a marathon brainstorming session to work out how they can fulfil Tung Chee-hwa's pledge to increase the number of homes in Hong Kong by 85,000 a year. 'There's only one way we can do it,' says Dominic Wong Sing-wah. 'Invade Taiwan.' TUESDAY In Hong Kong, the 1,000 mainland children ordered home because of Judge Brian Keith's decision, take the ultimate revenge. They organise a day-long play session outside his office. 'It is like World War III with colouring books,' moans the beleaguered beak. In Germany, organisers confirm that the number of people needing medical treatment after passing out at this year's Munich Oktoberfest doubled to 2,211. 'The main problem was that most of them drank on an empty stomach,' an spokesman explained. 'They arrived after Chancellor Helmut Kohl had cleared the sausage tent.' Off the North Carolina coast, divers start to recover treasures from the wreck of Blackbeard's ship. 'He was a worse pirate than we thought,' says the leader of the salvage team. 'There's a whole chest full of fake Cantopop CDs.' WEDNESDAY The Hong Kong judiciary defends its use of 'What is the name of the family cat?' as a test of suspected sham marriages. 'Everyone should know the name of their own pets,' explains a judge. 'Why, I have a dog called Rex, looked after by my three children James, I mean, John, and, er, er, um, the other two.' In Montreal, beauty contest judges sack Miss Canadian International, Gabriella Petivoky, for getting a job at Hooters. The chief judge explains: 'It is demeaning for a woman to wear skimpy clothes and parade in front of leering men, unless, of course, it's us.' In London, Elton John issues an apology for his statement last week in which he described Rolling Stone Keith Richards as 'a monkey with arthritis'. Says Elton: 'I retract my statement and offer deepest apologies to all monkeys who were offended.' THURSDAY In Hong Kong, the plan to import mainland pandas hits a snag when the Coalition Against Imported Labour protests. 'This will drastically lower the wages for our own giant pandas, not that we have any,' says Lee Cheuk-yan. In California, following the announcement that new technology will enable criminals to be traced by just one out of 1,000 billion cells that make a human being, OJ Simpson asks his accountant how much it would cost to hire 1,000 billion lawyers. 'Almost as much as having Johnnie Cochran again.' he says. In Australia, the Queensland University researcher who said kangaroos and koalas had low intelligence retracts her statement. 'I got the results mixed up with those from my other study, Average IQs of Rural Queensland Males.' FRIDAY In Hong Kong, the first movie from Steven Spielberg's Dreamworks company opens, and audiences gasp at its climactic special effect - a 10,000-metre high mountain of money. A publicist reveals that the concept came from a screenwriter who observed Mr Spielberg collecting his paypacket. In North Korea, Kim Jong-il marks his elevation to general secretary by taking decisive action to help his suffering people. A Korean government spokesman says: 'The Dear Leader, the guiding light of the universe, has ordered an emergency air-drop of bouffant hair gels to poorer parts of the country.' In London, a joint statement by British newspapers describes Kitty Kelly's book on the royal family as 'the work of a dirty-minded muck-raker who has trouble distinguishing between fact and fiction. And we should know.'