MONDAY In Hong Kong, senior police officers add four 'Approved Sentences' to their procedure manuals, following the move to hire fashion designers to revamp police uniforms: 1. 'The suspect is helping us with enquiries and helping us do up our new back-fastened mesh tops.' 2. 'My matching accessories are loaded.' 3. 'Come out with your hands up or we'll don clashing shades of chartreuse and lilac.' 4. 'You have the right to remain silent, but anything you wear may be taken down and used as inspiration for the next season.' In overseas news, London-based Spice Girl Mel C hits back at critics who say members of the group know nothing about music or musical instruments. 'I went into a music shop last week and bought a G-string. But it was too small, even for me.' TUESDAY In Hong Kong, the China Motor Bus press office hits back at the criticism it faced last week: 'We carry 10 million passengers a year, and that's not counting the insects.' In Thailand, Thai Airways cuts costs by ceasing to serve inflight meals on domestic flights. The Thai Air Passengers' Association issues a statement: 'This is the best news we've had for ages.' In Seattle, a spokesman for Microsoft adds to its claim that one in three computer programs in use are copies: 'Users of copied software don't appreciate we've invested thousands of dollars in research and development staff, who copy our programs from Macs.' In London, it is announced that the Spice Girls are to launch their own pizzas. Geri says: 'It's the first time we've ever been associated with anything flat.' WEDNESDAY In Hong Kong, the troubled China Motor Bus company cuts costs by sacking the entire cleaning staff for its fleet of thousands of buses. A spokesman says: 'She only worked part-time anyway.' In Britain, an official from the Centre for Public and Environmental Health explains how they worked out that the country, with a population of 58 million, has more rats than people. 'Until recently, we were counting the paparazzi as people.' In Pakistan, the censors who cut a kissing scene from a Tom & Jerry cartoon justify their action: 'First, we did it to safeguard our culture, and second, we did it because we are incredibly pathetic, small-minded and sad.' In the US, protests occur after major handgun makers agree to add child-safety locks to their rifles. A representative of the Rednecks Association says: 'I'd shoot whoever drafted the new law, if I could get my new gun open.' THURSDAY In Hong Kong, International Bank of Asia chief Mike Murad holds a press conference about last week's bank run, when he gets a phone call from his son. 'No, you can't have your next five years' pocket money in cash now,' the bank boss thunders.
In London, George Michael confirms he was totally spaced out on drugs while making his recent album Older. 'We were going to call it Older And Wiser, but at the time, I was convinced I was a polka-dotted turnip.' In the United States, President Bill Clinton says that last week's meeting with lesbian and gay activists was a fascinating experience for him. 'I told them if they were sure they wanted to be lesbians, that was their inalienable right as human beings in a free society. If they weren't sure, just call me.' FRIDAY In Hong Kong, Tsang Yok-sing reacts excitedly to news that one of the astronauts on the Mir space station voted in a Texas election, thus setting a precedent for a politician to receive votes from outer space. 'At last I feel I have a chance to be legitimately elected.' In Hollywood, Madonna and Sylvester Stallone install life-form detectors in the sea around their homes to prevent intrusion. To ensure the stars themselves are not prevented from swimming, the sensors are set only to detect creatures with brain-cells.
In London, music producers remain baffled by poor sales of the new Spice Girls album compared to the videos. A producer says: 'The girls' visual products sell better than the aural ones. Can't think why.'
