ding bong and other tales

The Ding Bong Judges' Panel Award for maintaining standards of loopiness in Hong Kong public life To the eponymous inspiration behind the awards, Provisional Urban Council chairman Dr Ronald Leung Ding-bong. Leung repeatedly distinguished himself during the uproar over the vile designs for the curiously named Central Library - which is in Causeway Bay. When he gave his casting vote on a design after councillors produced a dead heat at 21-all, Leung said, 'I'll cast the crucial vote according to my conscience and analytical ability. I'm rational because I studied science.' Brushing aside Democratic Party criticisms that its members' motions were ignored, Leung added, 'I think I'm right. In fact, I have just received a note which said, 'You've made a bold and courageous decision. I admire you.' I'll pass it around.' The Li Feng Cup for selfless sacrifice for the well-being of the Motherland and the Communist Party with Jiang Zemin at its core To leading Hong Kong performers, including James Wong Jim and Do Do Cheng, who refused to perform for TVB's five-hour handover spectacular on June 30 because they were asked to turn out for free. 'I am a professional master of ceremonies,' said Wong. 'I only work for money. If I get paid I will do this job. If I don't get paid I will not do it. This is the virtue of capitalism and the essence of 'one country, two systems'.' The 'Oh Don't Mind My Husband, He's Always Been Quiet!' Funeral Shroud for uxorious devotion To Au King, 59, who kept the body of her 75-year-old husband, Chow Man, in their Wong Tai Sin flat for nearly three years after he died. Au preserved the corpse, washed it and changed its clothes daily. One of the couple's four children who also lived in the flat said, 'During all this time, my mother took care of my father's body. She often slept in the sitting room to keep him company.' The 'It's A Game Of Two Halves' Cup for talking complete balls To Maria Tam Wai-chu, former chairman of the Liberal Democratic Federation and vice-chairman of the Hong Kong Progressive Alliance. Tam used a sporting analogy to comment on the merger of the two political groups. 'It is an inevitable and logical trend to enhance our strength by the merger. You can imagine a five-man football team definitely will not have the same quality as a 10-man team,' she said, overlooking the fact that most successful football teams turn out with 11 players.

The Carrot And Stick Cup for demonstrating the law is a ass To Eastern Court magistrate James Lee Chung-yin who tried Rugby player Isi Tu'ivai for attacking chef Carl Duggan outside Joe Bananas. Tu'ivai told the court Duggan had touched his then fiance's bottom in the bar, which the chef denied. Despite fining Tu'ivai $3,000 after finding him guilty of wounding, Lee said Duggan deserved what he got. 'I can only say that he asked for it. I'm sure if it had happened to me I would have done the same.' The Mink-edged And Diamante-studded Meat Chopper for killing with kindness To Tommy Leung Wai-chung, 36, who killed his lover, So Sheung-lan, after a row about gambling. As he dismembered the corpse, Leung was worried that the sound of him cutting off So's legs would wake his six-year-old daughter. 'My daughter was a sound-sleeping baby and that's why I started cutting up the legs. But I was very alert and kept my eyes on the stairs in case she came down.' When Leung came to dispose of the body parts across the New Territories he would always take air-conditioned transport so the smell of decomposing flesh coming from the plastic bags he carried would not bother early-morning commuters.

The 'Silly Me! I Left My $90 Million At Home, Will You Take A Cheque?' Award for absent-mindedness To Wong Yuet-ngan, 53, who claimed to be working for Li Ka-shing at a land auction and successfully bid $890 million for a 57,000-square-foot commercial site in Kowloon Bay. Unfortunately, Wong did not have the $90 million deposit on her at the time and forfeited the right to develop the site.

The Catarrh-filled Commemorative Spittoon and Jar Of Pickled Livers for hard living beyond the call of duty To Bob Howlett, chairman of the Press Club in Wan Chai, for explaining why this celebrated institution was closing its doors. 'Members are changing their lifestyles or leaving town. There is a new type of journalist - a non-smoking, non-drinking wimp. The club has had its time.' The Fagin Award for educating toddlers in the school of hard knocks To Hong Kong's primary school teachers. Children as young as four have been subjected to punishments such as carrying placards with the legend 'talkative pig' for being noisy in class. Other toddlers have banned from going to the toilet during lessons because the teachers did not believe they really needed to go.

The Dr Pangloss Award for maintaining we live in the best of all possible worlds, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary To gambling tycoon Stanley Ho. After signing a new tax deal with the Macau authorities concerning his gambling monopoly in the enclave, that runs until 2001, Ho insisted there was no organised crime involvement in casinos.

The No Touchy, No Feely Cup for presenting a less-than-cuddly public image To Chief Executive Tung Chee-hwa. Two weeks before Tung visited the Yiu Tung Children and Youth Centre, a Home Affairs Department official told staff there not to let the children get too close to the Chief Executive or ask him for autographs. A department spokesman claimed later, 'There may have been a misunderstanding.' The Golden Handcuffs Award for criminal insanity Winner: mainland university graduate Wong Yung who robbed taxi driver Cheng Chi-yung at gun point in Tai Po after entering Hong Kong illegally from Shenzhen. Cheng gave Wong three $10 coins and told him it was $300; Wong accepted his explanation and fled.