MONDAY In Hong Kong, a member of the transport panel which refused a franchise renewal to the China Motor Bus company explains how they realised just how old the bus fleet was. 'Our inspectors noticed that several of the older vehicles were made of stone,' he says. 'But the clincher was when we noticed the sign above the front seats: 'Please give up this space for Neanderthal or Cro-Magnon passengers.' ' In overseas news, New York-based funnyman Woody Allen confirms that his new bride is pregnant. 'Soon-yi hasn't decided what to call the baby,' says Allen. 'Daughter or sister.' Still in US news, at the NASA headquarters in Texas, scientists give special instructions to astronaut-in-training John Glenn, aged 77: 'Your space suit has special built-in bladder control aids, which are radio-wired to a computer here at mission control. If you have any trouble, just say, very clearly into this microphone: 'Houston, we have a problem'.' In Pacific news, our psychic correspondent reports that the ghost of the late Hawaii Five-0 star Jack Lord has teamed up with the spirit of the prophet Daniel. A medium explains: 'Jack hangs around nervous people and says: 'Boo him, Danno'.' TUESDAY In Hong Kong, an executive from China Motor Bus denies that their buses are out of date. 'Contrary to what our critics say, we do have an air-conditioning system,' he says. 'It's called the open-door policy.' In Baghdad, the Secretary-General of the United Nations makes a friendly overture to Saddam Hussein. 'Call me Kofi,' Mr Annan says at their first meeting. Saddam says to his servant: 'You heard him. Bring this swarthy infidel a cup of coffee.' In New York, supermodel Kate Moss talks about her recent 24th birthday celebration. 'Me and six other supermodels had a wild party. 'We split a muffin as a birthday cake.' WEDNESDAY In Hong Kong, Donald Tsang Yam-kuen reveals why there is always a multi-billion dollar surplus in the annual Budget. 'Didn't you know? Financial secretaries are allowed to keep any cash left over.' In other Asian news, Indonesian President Suharto explains why he sacked bank governor Sudradjad Djiwandono. 'I was surprised and distressed to discover that someone in such a powerful and well-paid job had a surname different to my own.' In Baghdad, the UN leader organises talks between Saddam Hussein and US Defence Secretary William Cohen. Mr Cohen: We think you may have a weapon of mass destruction hidden away in your 'off-limits' areas. Saddam: You mean like President Clinton has in his trousers? THURSDAY In Baghdad, a CNN reporter asks Mr Annan how Saddam Hussein and William Cohen are getting on. 'They are almost inseparable,' the UN leader replies. 'It took six of my aides to pull them apart.' In California, the baby boy born from an embryo frozen for seven and a half years is given a tub of Haagen-Dazs ice cream and speaks his first word: 'Brother'. In eastern Europe, the elderly members of Led Zeppelin re-write the words of their biggest hit for their comeback tour: And it's whispered that soon, If we still know the tune, Then we may get a write-up in 'Pravda'. But the problem is clear: We are so old and drear, That the audience may echo with laughter. Oooh and it makes me wonder. FRIDAY In Hong Kong, an official reveals the final reason why the Transport Department did not renew CMB's franchise. 'Actually, we never received CMB's renewal request. Apparently, the messenger delivering it got on a bus which broke down.' In Indonesia, members of President Suharto's currency board reveal they have finally found something to peg their currency to: 'The rupiah will be pegged to beach sand, at a rate of one rupiah to one grain.'