MONDAY Embassies around the world release a set of guidelines to people travelling to Hong Kong called Five Signs You May Have Woken Up in a Hong Kong Hospital. 1. There's plasma in your dinner bowl and congee in your drip. 2. The nurse who approaches your bed asks: 'You know that medicine we gave you yesterday? Well, you didn't drink any of it, did you?' 3. The orderly is wheeling an oxygen tank into the kitchen and a Calorgas bottle into the operating theatre. 4. The toilet cleanser smells like cough syrup, while your cough medicine makes Geiger counters click. 5. Your surgeon says: 'Would you like anything particular done, or shall we surprise you?' In overseas news, United States pharmaceutical firm Eli Lilly confirms that it is offering scholarships for schizophrenic patients who use its drugs. A spokesman says: 'Our first student is Mary Brown, majoring in Economic History at Columbia, except on Tuesdays and Thursdays, when she is Sybill Jones, studying Eskimo Literature at the University of Southern California.' TUESDAY In Hong Kong, the Television and Entertainment Licensing Authority reveals why it put www.smarties.com on a list of banned Internet sites. 'We did it because the advertising jingle sounded like someone poking fun at the provisional legislature: 'Smartie people are happy people, they smile all the time because they're feeling fine, because it's Smartie time'.' In Kenya, the medical association is investigating a doctor who last week removed a bean stuck in the ear of a young girl and then forced it back in when her parents didn't have enough money to pay his bill. In a related occurrence, nurses note that pregnant women in Kenya have started bringing large amounts of money with them to the delivery wards. WEDNESDAY In Hong Kong, a Xinhua official confirms the organisation consulted lawyers who advised them that no one in Hong Kong is above the law. He adds, gloating: 'Fortunately, Tung Chee-hwa and the Chief Justice disagreed, as you can see.' In Hong Kong, Elsie Tu comments on the news that an asteroid could hit earth in the year 2028. 'I note that the asteroid waited until the colonial powers had left Hong Kong. Coincidence? I don't think so.' In a related development, the Hong Kong Astronomical Society decides to grade Elsie Tu as the strangest thing in space, closely followed by Xu Simin. THURSDAY In Hong Kong, investigative journalists publish the transcript of the crackly phone recording from the bugged Jockey Club line: Caller: I'm looking for Windbreaker to take a dive in the 7.30 at Happy Valley, understand? Jockey: I couldn't help breaking wind. What with the canteen's bean-paste buns and the leaning-forward posture jockeys have to assume . . . Caller: No, Windbreaker the horse. We want you to pull him in tonight's race. I've got a beautiful bribe waiting for you. Jockey: But I'm already married. Mind you, what's she like? I like 'em really tall. In overseas news, singer Madonna confirms that she wants another child and will generate it 'the normal way'. By which she means auditioning a few hundred men. Still with US news, boxer Mike Tyson explains why he has started his own record label. 'It is my dream come true. Now I can hurt thousands of people's ears at once.' FRIDAY In Hong Kong, a couple of diners in a Ngau Tau Kok seafood restaurant ask the proprietor where the toilets are. 'Just do it in the gutter around the back, would you?' the restaurateur replies. 'I've just had a delivery of star garoupa and tiger prawns, so the toilets, cisterns and urinals are all full.' In southern California, the world's largest newborn, 14-pound Alfred Atkins, is shown to the media. In a related development, Dolly Parton is hauled out of retirement to help with the breastfeeding.