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AFTER six years of marriage, Joyce's husband asked for a divorce. Joyce was shocked. ''I don't know what to do,'' she wept.

   ''How can I possibly carry on?''   Divorce is a painful experience requiring tremendous strength and determination to endure.

   Every divorce is not simply a termination of a relationship, but is actually six divorces altogether:    Emotional divorce: ripping apart what was built up emotionally over the years, a person will experience a tremendous sense of loss. The breaking of emotional dependence can cause a person to feel extremely insecure and lonely.

  Such anxiety may result in severe emotional swings, from withholding emotions to erupting in anger.

   Legal divorce: a lengthy and expensive battle which many view as the last chance to fight back, by manipulating such issues as finance and custody over children.

  Such impersonal acts can easily deepen the hurt and resentment.

   Economic divorce: people come to the painful realisation that they have to alter their lifestyle and financial security.

  The couple must divide possessions and arrange for monetary support of children and the ex-spouse.

  New skills may have to be learned, to ensure financial sufficiency.

   Co-parental divorce: couples will be confronted with the fact that they are no longer raising their children together.

  The custodian parent will be playing solo in disciplining the children, without a partner to consult.

  The fear of being unable to maintain a good relationship with the children or incapable of being a single parent will be faced by both divorced parents.

   Social divorce: when a once-married person moves to an unmarried state he or she is forced to make changes in terms of identity, status and social groups.

  For example, Joyce used to be ''George's wife'' or ''the banker's wife''.

  Her social life revolved around - and she met many acquaintances through - bankers' social gatherings.

  She suddenly no longer belongs to that society, and will probably shun such functions even when invited.

   Psychic divorce: the stage when a divorcee finally begins to let go of the past.

  Many spouses are highly emotionally dependent on their partners and see their own functioning as tied to them.

  It is vital that Joyce accepts responsibility for her own life and seeks autonomy in decision-making.

  Unless she sees herself as an independent individual, she will continue to live under the shadow of her former partner and sabotage her chance of starting a new life.

  Seldom are both partners at the same level of readiness when terminating a marriage.

  Usually one makes the first move, and the other feels rejected and abandoned. Both may react either by fighting back or by making unrealistic concessions in order to hold on to the marriage.

  The pain and hurt can cause one or both to be vengeful or take retaliatory actions.

  Impending divorcees can avoid some of the pain and hasten their emotional healing by being aware of the six facets of divorce and tackling them one at a time.

  Of course, all six divorces happen concurrently, but if each is dealt with as a separate issue, both partners can be well on their way to a new life long before the legal proceedings begin.

  People must accept their responsibilities in the divorce and blame neither themselves nor their partner.

  By taking steps to handle the six stages, they will enable themselves to re-invest feelings and energies in new relationships.

  The agony of divorce can cause destruction in a person's life. However, if handled with great care and sensitivity, a divorcee can emerge to face life with self-confidence and the courage to achieve happiness. Cathy Tsang-Feign is a licensed psychotherapist, with offices at the Vital Life Centre, phone: 877-8206 



Six steps to a less agonising divorce