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SCMP Reporter

OH oh. It was that subject again. Members tiptoeing into Legco one minute late yesterday discovered that top of the agenda was . . . S.E.X.

  A committee had been studying ''human conception'' in Hongkong, with reference to scientific aids to help it along, reported Health Secretary Libby Wong.

  After five years, the committee had completed a report in ''layman's language'', punned Mrs Wong, possibly accidentally. Members were too shy to snigger.

  Then Stephen Cheong stood up to speak about a much more seemly subject. He managed to make his opening highly dramatic by his choice of where to pause for breath.

  ''Mr President,'' he declared. ''On November 19, 1986, the chairman of the public accounts committee lay on the table of this council . . .''   Pause.

  Eyebrows were raised throughout the chamber. More sex?   ''. . . a paper entitled: Scope of Government Audit in Hongkong,'' continued Mr Cheong.

  The raised eyebrows fell. So did the eyelids below them, after Mr Cheong continued talking about audits for several minutes.

  Then Chief Secretary Sir David Ford explained the format of the main part of the sitting. ''The star of this occasion is, of course, the Financial Secretary who will come on stage last, to wind up for the administration,'' he said.

  The chamber was then graced by verse, a trend, greatly to be encouraged, started by banker David Li last week. Mrs Wong said she would like to make ''an apology to the poet laureate of this council, the Honourable David Li''.

  She then spouted the following:   ''The boost to funding is rarely huge   ''Thanks to Santa or to Scrooge.

  ''We care for the sick and love the poor   ''But always we ask for a little more.

  ''We'll meet our targets to the letter   ''Tomorrow will be surely better.

  ''The budget is a prudent notion.

  ''With these words, sir, I support the motion.''   Rumour has it that after Easter, policy speeches will be made entirely in rap, while deputy secretaries breakdance in the aisles.

   Secretary for the Environment Tony Eason then got up and spoke about ''the eastern and western buffers''.

  What a disrespectful way to talk about Li Peng and the Governor!   Or was it? Mr Eason hurriedly added: ''In case anyone has any problem with definition here, I would just like to say that the eastern and western buffers referred to here, are NOT elderly gentlemen from different ends of the globe.''   He was talking about bits of the harbour.

  But Mr Eason did have some good news on the political front. Talks between the Hongkong Government and the Chinese authorities on political reform, the airport, the seaport and everything else may have been scuppered.

  But there is one thing that the two are still talking about ''at the operation level''. Sewage.

  Hongkong can relax. The important things of life will continue.

  Finally, it was time for the Financial Secretary to speak. Hamish Macleod - the Ebenezer Scrooge who is trying to adjust to Santa Macleod mode - had recently received an enormous compliment.

  ''One member actually called me a spendthrift,'' he told members. That is probably the nicest thing anyone has ever said about him.

  Ebenezer/Santa admitted he thought his current position ironic.

  ''Last year I was criticised by many members for being too cautious and for aiming for larger reserves than were really needed. This year, some of the same people have criticised me for the opposite reason.''   Last year they moaned that $71 billion in 1997 reserves was too much.

  This year, they lamented that $78 billion was too little.

  Yet $78 billion is MORE than $71 billion. You could see the members working it out in their heads. Curses. The Financial Secretary was right! They'd slipped up.

  Game, set and match went to Santa Macleod. Tiny Tim will keep his goose this year.



Tackling a new conception in the chamber