FRENETIC preparations are taking place for the visit of The World's Most Important Human, United States President Bill Clinton, to the mainland and Hong Kong. To give you a flavour of the breathless behind-the-scenes activity taking place, we have hacked into Top Secret e-mail communications between Mr Clinton and various people in Hong Kong. June 12: Bill Clinton to Martin Lee Chu-ming: Yo Marty! Looking forward to chewing the fat with you again. For once, Hillary ain't looking over my shoulder, so answer me some quickies. 1. So what do you need to say to Chinese chicks to get friendly, then? 2. How many pieces do you get in a portion of sweet 'n' sour pork in Hong Kong? 3. Do you get hit with a lawsuit if your drop your pants in front of a Chinese babe? June 13: Martin Lee to Bill Clinton: Dear President Clinton. Thank you for your electronically borne web communication. I believe the answers to your questions may have changed since the handover. I have thus forwarded your missive to the Chief Executive, Mr Tung Chee-hwa, for an answer modelled on the Basic Law. June 13: Tung Chee-hwa to Bill Clinton: Dear Fellow Head of State. Thank you for your letter. Let me answer it this way. We should all put aside our baggage and look forward with pride to the future. I am proud to be Chinese and I am sure you are too. Yours sincerely, CH. June 14: Bill Clinton to US Ambassador to China James Sasser: Hey Jimbo. The Tungster says we are not allowed to bring any baggage. Did you know about that? June 14: James Sasser to Bill Clinton: I don't rightly know what he means, Bill. Probably some Chinese custom or something. I'll get our protocol people on to it. June 15: Bill Clinton to Anson Chan: Hey Annie (don't mind me calling you that I hope). I've been working on the speech I have to deliver in the Great Hall of the People. Would you mind just going through it with me, you being Chinese and all that? Here goes: 'I must confess, many people in the United States know shamefully little about China. They don't know about your famous tourist attractions, such as Hadrian's Wall and Tokyo Disneyland. They know nothing about the historic parts of China, such as Gerrard Street, Hester Street, and, of course, China's magnificent capital city, Chinatown. 'They know nothing about your deservedly famous foodstuffs, Frisco Special Chop Suey and the Fortune Cookie. They are completely ignorant of your ancient civilisation, which brought forth such cultural treasures as that Carl Douglas disco hit of the 1970s, Kung Fu Fightin'. 'All this will change. I personally pledge that by the turn of the century, every citizen of the good ol' US of A will be as fully clued up about China as I am myself - yes siree, that's a promise.' June 16: Anson Chan to Bill Clinton: Dear President Clinton, Since my spiritual rebirth as a daughter of the Motherland on July 1 last year, I identify strongly with your poignant remarks, which I must admit, bought a tear to my eye. Where can I find this wonderful piece of Chinese music to which you refer? Yours, Anson (Annie). June 18: Bill Clinton to Anson Chan: I'll get Chelsea to lend you her copy. You can pirate it! (That's a joke, hee hee.) June 18: Bill Clinton to Martin Lee: Hey Marty. One more thing. I hear there's some excessively neat chick in Hong Kong called Suzie Wong or something? You're a man of the people. Can you arrange for me to meet her, one-on-one, you got me? June 19: Martin Lee to Bill Clinton: Dear President Clinton, I have asked our party researchers to find this Ms Suzie Wong you mention. Apparently there are more than 4,000 young women of that name in Hong Kong. Can you send more information so we know which one you wish to meet? June 19: Bill Clinton to Martin Lee: Don't go to any trouble for little old me. Just send them all up. I'll choose when they get to my room. June 20: Bill Clinton to Anson Chan: Yo, Annie. I need some more advice. That S.O.B. (pardon my language) Senate majority leader Trent Lott is going to rake me over the coals unless I give my hosts some stick over arms sales and stuff. Apparently China sold arms to Iraq, a country which I believe some people spell Iran. Do you think they'll mind? This issue notwithstanding, I'm going to give the Chinese leaders some good news. I'll tell them I'll be delighted to vote for China's entry to the World Trade Organisation in exchange for one small concession. D'you think there's any chance of them introducing me to Gong Li?