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Wendy Kan

ADDRESSING in-laws by 'Mama' and 'Baba' in Cantonese or 'Mum' and 'Dad' in English is supposed to level the relationship to one of familial comfort, giving everyone involved warm and fuzzy feelings inside.

 But there is no denying a certain contrived element to this new, redefined relationship with a spouse's parents.

 As a result, the awkwardness and the discomfort has forced many people of the younger generation not to call their in-laws anything, and never to address them directly. A common tactic is to wait for the in-law to speak first, leading to many strained silences.

 Count me among them. I am not yet married, but my companion's parents have already tried to redefine our relationship and bring it to a more casual level. Previously, calling his parents by 'Mr' and 'Mrs' would do.

 Now, when they call long-distance, they introduce themselves by their first names, and I am left to drawl an awkward 'Hii . . .' because 'Mr' and 'Mrs' are instantly nullified as appropriate titles to address them by as soon as their first names are mentioned.

 My mother, on the other hand, would never have my companion call her anything except 'Mrs', perhaps unless we marry - and even then, I do not know what the most fitting solution would be.

 There are obvious reasons why this is a dilemma for young adults who marry or are involved in a long-term relationship. Many of the prerequisites for calling people 'Mum' and 'Dad' simply do not exist.

 You may know the in-laws, but not well. They did not change you, only occasionally fed you. They often see you at your best, most accommodating behaviour, rather than your worst.

 Taking these factors and many more into account, calling the in-laws 'Mum' and 'Dad' only seems to ring of a false past, a false familiarity, a false bond.

 Not that many people do not try. But the awkwardness and the difficulty in doing so have forced many to find a compromise instead, a form of address which sits comfortably with all parties involved.

 'It shouldn't be too formal, and it shouldn't be so casual that it makes me uncomfortable,' one Canadian-Chinese friend said.

 When my sister's boyfriend, a Canadian-Italian, became my brother-in-law four years ago, there were debates about how he would address my mother.

 Not having developed a very casual relationship with her in the years he had dated my sister, he felt most comfortable calling her 'Mrs' and she never indicated she preferred otherwise.

 She told him once that he was never to call her 'Mother', which devastated him since he interpreted it to include 'Mum', 'Ma' and all other terms of endearment.

 We had forgotten she despised the term 'Mother' because my sister, brother and I would refer to her accordingly whenever we were angry.

 Even as a teenager in Canada, I would be appalled when my friends started calling each other's parents by their first names.

 So ingrained was the concept of respect for the older generation that I interpreted my friends' behaviour as a cultural difference, and that calling the in-laws 'Mum' and 'Dad' was a wholly Western practice.

 Little did I know that even in Chinese families, the appropriate terms for in-laws on both the mother's and father's side have been disposed of by many families in favour of the more accessible 'Mama' and 'Baba'.

 Two of my friends, a married couple, found a compromise that I would love to adopt. Dennis, an American, can speak Putonghua to his Chinese in-laws, surnamed Lui, so he addresses them by 'Lui Baba' and 'Lui Mama'. When typing e-mails to them in English, he reverts to Mr and Mrs Lui.

 My companion does not speak Cantonese, however, so this may not be suitable for my mother. Perhaps we can propose an English equivalent, however, something like 'Mama Kan'?  Perhaps I am making this a bigger issue than it is worth, and we will make do with tradition.

 If my mother agrees, my companion will call her 'Mama' and I will do the same with his parents. After that, the fuzzy feelings and familial bond are bound to follow.



What's in a name for the in-laws?