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SCMP Reporter

YOU have to feel sorry for our glorious leader Tung Chee-hwa. I mean, none of the awful things that have recently happened to Hong Kong have been his fault. Last week, with the stock market crashing around our ears, I suddenly realised whom he reminded me of.

 The recent history of the Chief Executive of Hong Kong is remarkably similar to that of the protagonist of the 18th volume of the Jewish scriptures, which is - as you know - The Book Of Job.

 So be upstanding please for the reading of the Holy Scriptures, Reviled Hong Kong Version.

 1. And it came to pass that in the land which is called SAR, there came a man whose name was Tung.

 2. And he was a kind old man with the requisite whitish hair, and he smileth for the cameras with great skill.

 3. And Uncle Tung was upright and blameless, excepteth for a little awkwardness with the stock exchange over a financial transfer involving a shipping company he used to run but that was on record a long time ago and no one dareth to mention it now.

 4. And there came a day when Tung became patriarch of the people of SAR.

 5. And the people eateth and drinketh and maketh merry in the place which is called the Fong of Lan Kwai.

 6. And Tung promiseth to build them 85,000 new homes, for there was much begatting.

 7. And a messenger came unto Uncle Tung and saith: 'Lord, lord. The wise men saith the kingdom is threatened by a disease called The Plague of Sneezing Chickens.'  8. And Tung answered him: 'Verily, thou pullest the regal limb with exceeding great vigour.'  9. And the messenger saith: 'Sire, thy limb pull I not.'  10. And Uncle Tung sorrowfully slaughtered the first-born chicken of each coop, and he was sad, because he kneweth every chicken by name.

 11. And it came to pass that the following day, the messenger came again to the house. And he saith: 'Lord, lord, the people rioteth outside the places of the sellers of cake, because they fear the merchants thereof goeth belly-upward.'  12. And Tung asketh: 'What cakes selleth these merchants?'  13. And the messenger replieth: 'They selleth cream cakes made out of false cream adorneth with graven images of cartoon characters.'  14. And Tung saith he understood not why the loss of such foodstuff causeth such wailing and gnashing of teeth.

 15. And the messenger saith: 'It is the tradition of this land that the people keepeth their life savings in the form of cake vouchers.'  16. And Tung shaketh his head and saith: 'Verily, this place is indeed passing weird, maketh no mistake.'  17. And it came to pass the next day, the messenger didst beat upon the door the third time, saying, 'The value of property crasheth and the owners thereof hunger for thy blood because thou buildeth 85,000 new ones. Also the stock market crasheth, and doth eat up the Exchange Fund.'  18. And Tung rent his robe and sprinkled dust and ashes upon his head.

 19. And the messenger saith: 'Lord, thou hast not seen anything yet. For usually there are 10 plagues in this type of story. And thou suffereth only four so far.'  20. And Tung saith: 'The stock market giveth; the stock market taketh away. Blessed be the name of the stock market.'  21. And it came to pass that there were five more plagues: The Plague of the Disappearing Tourists; The Plague of the Disappearing Cargo; The plague which is known only as Soros, which shrinketh the coin of the realm; The Plague of Unemployment; and the Plague of the Re-Rating Agencies.

 22. And Uncle Tung learneth that his public satisfaction score falleth and hitteth an all-time low. And he calleth his doctors of spinning, and asketh advice therefrom.

 23. 'Telleth the people it is not thy fault,' they adviseth.

 24. And Tung didst climb even unto the highest podium and saith: 'Hear me O people of SAR. Yea, we suffereth from a run of bad luck.

 'Yea, many of us are jobless and feareth for our futures.

 25. 'But blameth not me. Can thou namest any leader who can give thee record stock prices, record property prices and record economic growth in times of great jitteryness?'  26. And it came to pass, that even before he finisheth speaking, the door at the back of the hall openeth.

 27. And the Tenth Plague entered upon a white horse. And he carrieth a book which costeth $195. And his name was Chris Patten and he smileth an exceeding smug smile.

 Here endeth the lesson.



Tung and the Ten Plagues