WHAT is the correct answer to the question: 'Do you live in Asia?' Those of you who think the answer is 'yes', I beg to disagree. In fact, the correct answer is: 'No, I live in Hong Kong.' You see, Hong Kong is not part of Asia at all. Your Humble Narrator has been travelling a great deal in the region recently, and has accumulated proof of this argument. If Hong Kong were part of Asia . . . 1. Our Financial Secretary would have ordered all loyal citizens to hand their jewellery to the Central Government Offices to be melted down to boost the fight against Evil Western Currency Speculators. 2. The first five items on TVB news bulletins every night would be polite but boring reports about Chief Executive Tung Chee-hwa cutting ribbons. 3. A large crowd of unkempt men in Hawaiian shirts would be hanging around outside Chek Lap Kok airport saying, 'You want taxi?' 4. At cinemas and on television, movies would be edited so that they don't make any sense. 5. On the streets, citizens would be less scared of robbers than they would be of police. 6. Caucasian tourists would be required to fill in forms in the Chek Lap Kok arrival halls declaring they do not have AIDS. 7. The newspapers would be praising the Government for everything it did, even if one week's policies were the opposite of the previous week's. 8. In Watson's you would be able to bargain 70 per cent off the price of the stuff in your basket. 9. Any man entering a bar would shortly find a woman in a bikini on his lap saying, 'You buy me drink OK?' 10. New reasons for members of the public to pay fees would be invented by government officials on an hourly basis. 11. Motorists whose brakes don't work would just buy bigger horns. 12. Government leaders would win every defamation court case they call, even if it was they who did the defaming. 13. Bus drivers would think nothing of using their bumpers to nudge pedestrians out of the way. 14. A framed but faded portrait of Tung Chee-hwa and his wife would hang in every shop, next to a Michael Jackson poster. 15. All taxi drivers would tell you that their meters are broken. 16. There would be a man lurking in front of every alley whispering, 'Change money good price.' 17. International news magazines would be banned for daring to suggest Tung Chee-hwa and his team might not be infallible. 18. The Highway Code would be one-sentence long: Bigger vehicles have right of way. 19. Anyone who visits public toilets would need nasal plugs and the dexterity of a contortionist. 20. The first subject for freshman students at the beginning of the first semester would be: Rioting. 21. Any man entering a taxi would be told: 'I show you place you get plenty nice massage cheap-cheap OK?' 22. Recruitment ads for any job, including certified public accountant, would read 'young, beautiful girl fair skin only'. 23. The winning bidders for all government contracts would include members of the present leader of state's family. 24. The newspapers would be full of editorials criticising America, but . . . 25. . . . there would be enormous queues outside the United States consulate visa office. 26. The Peninsula and other top hotels would have crowds of gossiping tuk-tuk drivers lurking at the bottom of the drive. 27. All newspaper editorials about state leaders would be toadying and fawning, until he or she was toppled, when all editorials would claim that everyone knew all along the leader was a crook. 28. Half the adverts in local papers would be for strange medical potions that cure AIDS, baldness, cancer and bad breath. 29. The Government would talk endlessly about pure Asian ideology while indulging in the worst excesses of Western capitalism. 30. Whoever is not in power would be called the Rebel Forces until they take over, at which time they would become the government and everyone else would become the Rebel Forces. 31. High-class hotel guest rooms would have notices saying: 'Lady joiners not allowed after 11pm.' 32. Low-class hotel guest rooms would have notices saying: 'Please tell lady joiners not to be too noisy when they leave.' 33. 'I got on a train and went to work' would mean 'I climbed on to the roof of a train and went to work'. 34. Articles like this would not be allowed.