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SCMP Reporter

JUST when you thought your brain could relax . . .

  There's a new game among word-smiths. It is called Twisted Titles, and originated in California Monthly, the alumni magazine of UC Berkeley.

  1. Think of the name of a well-known book, play, film or whatever.

  2. Change one letter only.

  3. Add a one-sentence description based on the new version.

  Some selections from the round published in a recent issue:   Women Who Lope Too Much: A self-help book for compulsive joggers.

  Boyz 'n' the Wood: An urban retelling of the Robin Hood legend.

  Seven Days in Hay: Mr Ed enjoys his honeymoon.

  Twelfth Eight: in which a dyslexic Shakespeare goes one up on the well-known convenience store chain.

  Drugs Along the Mohawk: An updating of the classic American novel.

  The Brady Butch: in which Cindy comes out of the closet.

  We've thought up the following for films and TV programmes showing recently in Hongkong.

  Hole Alone: Hongkong's Highways Department dig up a road and forget all about it.

  Newt Roundup: Lorraine Hahn captures amphibians from a rock pool.

  Financial Retort: A Hongkong business person blows a raspberry at his critics.

  The Double Lift of Veronique: A female property developer installs an extra-large elevator.

  Sesame Streek: Fuzzy animal puppets run around naked.

  The Crying Dame: A compilation of Meryl Streep's most histrionic scenes.

   Card sharp PSEUD of the month is the smart female lawyer from Washington exchanging business cards with a Hongkong reporter last week, who said: ''Oh, I am sorry, that's my Russian card. Here, let me give you my Chinese one.''    Revert to type HONGKONG businessman Michael Harilela showed us a fascinating letter he had received from the New Delhi office of Bank of America.

  At the top of the sheet is the bank's address and contact numbers - upside down.

  In the middle is a message from Varun Tuli, bank vice-president, the right way up.

  At the bottom is the Bank of America logo - also upside down.

  Are they trying to make some terribly clever point?   Or do Bank of America secretaries do their typing in the dark?    Decently rich MOST necessary book in Hongkong must be one published recently by HarperBusiness.

  Written by Richard C. Rose and Echo Montgomery Garrett, it is called: How to Make a Buck and Still Be a Decent Human Being. What would it be filed under in a Hongkong bookshop?   Bizarre Esoteric Myths, probably.

   Open secret MIKE Wilson got an item of mail from Regent Pacific Group, Peter Everington's hot new finance group.

 ''PERSONAL AND CONFIDENTIAL'' it said in large typed letters on the front.

  Mike was amused. ''This must be the latest in secure communications: confidential postcards,'' he said.

  Now this really is putting temptation in the way of postmen.

  Clever Boy BOBBY Lal of Soham International, Macau, bought a wristwatch from Boy London, the fashion store. It came with some interesting disclaimers.

  The watch would not be replaced if it had been ''tampered with by an authorised agent''.

  The watch will not be replaced if it is ''damaged due to damages''.

  Why does Boy London authorise people to tamper with their watches?   There are no imaginable circumstances in which an item is damaged without damage.

  Jolly clever these disclaimers. No wonder Boy London makes so much money.

  Write-off CLIVE Miners of Miners Models sent in what was probably the least enticing bit of copywriting we have seen for months. It was on a piece of junk mail from For Your Gift Service, a delivery firm in Kowloon.

  ''Gifts from For You is attractive wrapped and sent by free in accurate delivery to your friends,'' it said.

  Free ''in accurate delivery''? Doesn't exactly build confidence, does it?   Bottom line  READER Robert Whitehouse saw a messenger on the MTR recently with a manila envelope bearing the company name ''Pass Motion Ltd''.

  It's not difficult to work out what the financial services person who set up that company thought it was a load of.



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HSBC

Men of letters discover the twist in every tale