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SCMP Reporter

In 1996 10-year-old Coco Chan Ho-ka dropped a bombshell. She testified in court that she had run away because her stepmother regularly beat or scolded her and once forced her out of bed into the kitchen, where she was walloped and slammed against a wall.

 The girl added that she was mistreated because the woman was not her real mother. She said that their relationship was so bad her stepmother once vowed to push her off a building and had not done so only because the door to the roof was locked.

 Serious as they sounded, the claims were quickly dismissed and Coco's stepmother cleared of any wrongdoing.

 The magistrate said he believed Coco had exaggerated her stepmother's behaviour for one simple reason: she did not like living with her.

 The case highlights the conflict that may arise when step-parents enter a new family.

 'Even before the children meet their step-parent, they may already be prejudiced against the 'awful', 'nasty' and 'evil' step-parent,' says family counsellor Theresa Kwan-Fellows. She was describing a stereotype that is helped to persist because of, among other things, the popularity of such children's tales as Snow White, and Cinderella, in which a poor wretch has to put up with a wicked stepmother who wants her dead; and, in the case of Cinderella, with two awful stepsisters as well.

 With divorce rates on the rise and an increasing number of divorcees remarrying, the problems of step-parenting are becoming more evident.

 According to Dr Gladys Lam Chan Lan-tak, associate professor of Polytechnic University's Department of Applied Social Studies, stepmothers often have to cope with not only a new family but also disapproving friends and neighbours.

 'I have interviewed stepmothers who felt they were stigmatised,' says Dr Lam, author of a soon-to-be-published study, Parenting in Step-Families (1993-1997). 'A divorced woman who married a divorced man in the same building found neighbours who used to be friendly beginning to avoid them.'  Similarly, step-parents are shunned by relatives at family gatherings and school teachers who feel uncomfortable discussing children's academic performance with anyone other than their natural parents.

 'Many stepmothers believe if they try their best to look after the children, they will establish an instant relationship,' says Dr Lam. 'This is wishful thinking. In reality children can't forget their past. They always see their deceased or divorced parent in a better light than their step-parent.'  Ms Kwan agrees. 'When the natural parent is divorced or passes away, the children will feel their parent is perfect and always compare their natural parent with their step-parent.'  This leads to children defying their step-parents, saying things like, 'You're not my mum, you have no authority to tell me what to do,' she says. But not all children are hostile towards step-parents.

 Angela remembers feeling happy when her father started dating her stepmother. 'I was too young to feel grief over my mother's death. When Dad started going out with my stepmother I felt fine. All my friends have mothers and I was excited that I was going to have one.'  Angela's natural mother died when she was three. Her father remarried four years later.

 'Since I had been brought up by my father, my stepmother tried to get me interested in girls' things like taking me to the hairdresser and buying me dresses,' Angela remembers. 'I tried to treat her like a mum and it worked out.'  Although she accepted her new mother quickly, it was different for her sister, who is five years older. She found it more difficult to adjust because she had spent more time with their natural mother and had formed closer ties.

 Another reason for a child's coolness towards a new parent, Ms Kwan says, is that 'the child feels scared that the surviving parent will no longer love her. She becomes jealous and tries to sabotage the relationship between her parent and his friend.'  Which is what Angela's sister tried to do.

 'She kept telling father and grandmother that our stepmother was a wicked woman,' Angela says.

 Typically, getting used to a step-parent is less problematic for young adults in their late teens or early 20s because they already have their own social circle and self-image.

 'At 16, I was old enough to accept my mother having a new relationship,' says Jenny, now 29.

 'Dad will always be Dad but Uncle [stepfather] is like a good friend,' she says.

 'I will have my own family one day. The most important thing is that Uncle will care for Mother as I can't always be around.'  Adolescents, however, can be a handful.

 'This is when children start to search for their own identity and become detached from their parents as they experiment with independence,' Ms Kwan says. 'When they need their parents' attention, they want it immediately. When they want privacy, they want to be left alone by their parents.'  This was the case for Sandra Law, who at 29 married for a second time and later had two girls and a boy with her new husband. Counting his daughter from a previous marriage who lived with her mother in the US, she found herself having to cope with 'three children and a teenager' during holidays.

 'Sarah [the elder girl] had her own private world, music and hairspray and did not want to be identified with my children, who worshipped her,' says Mrs Law. 'It's very hard to be a stepmother to a resentful child. I tried talking to her gently, saying her father wanted to see her and her mother hoped she could maintain a link with Hong Kong, but that didn't work.'  But then there was a confrontation. When Sarah was 13, she threw her step-siblings' toys out of the bathroom, saying she needed more space and privacy.

 'I swung open the door and screamed, 'I don't know what rules you have in your own home but here you can't have everything your own way,' Mrs Law remembers. 'At first she got angry but broke down and cried. I hugged her. She said she was sorry and we both agreed we would help each other.

 'That summer . . . was a turning point in our relationship.'  In situations where children move between two homes, Ms Kwan says: 'The couple need to be supportive of each other when making a decision.'  The natural parent may feel guilty about breaking up the family so he may try to compensate by catering to his children's demands, causing a split in the family, according to Ms Kwan.

 'For a step-parent to be accepted in the family, it depends on how strong the bond is between the couple,' she adds. 'They must design rules together and agree on the appropriate punishment when disciplining their children, who must follow the rules.'  Ms Kwan stresses that step-parents should treat their own children and step-children fairly.

 'But, in reality, the stepmother usually gives more affection to her own children than to her step-children,' Dr Lam says.

 At the other extreme, there are parents who mistreat their step-children, some sexually abusing them. According to the Hong Kong Family Welfare Society, fathers sexually abusing children tend not to be biologically related to their victims.

 Social worker Poon Bik-sheung advises that, before starting a new family, all those involved should have a good understanding of each other's background. The natural parent should explain to their children the reason for divorce and why they are remarrying.

 'The step-parent has to be psychologically prepared before stepping into the family. She has to be open, understanding and affectionate to the children,' Ms Poon says.

 'In helping the children, I would first try to empathise with them. I know they come from a broken home and may be afraid, guilty, or vengeful. They don't know if the stepmother is going to manipulate them or take their father away.'  If one parent dies, the family should try to get over the loss - which can take one to three years, sometimes more - before the surviving partner remarries, according to Ms Kwan.

 'You have to resolve your conflicting feelings and this takes time,' she says. 'When you finally accept that the person is gone, that's when you finish grieving.'  While a step-parent can never replace the birth parent, she says, the best thing a family can do is to make the most of their new-found relationship.

Stepmothers who need help can participate in a workshop 'Understanding Stepmothers' offered by Chinese University's School of Continuing Studies. Enquiries: 2723-7996/2368-3916 



The pitfalls of step-parenting