LIKE many motorists in Hongkong, Robert Vart of marine consultancy Vart, Mathews and Company has over the years got a point or two on his driving licence. Like every other motorist in Hongkong, he's forgotten how many. So in a spirit of inquiry, he tried to find out. Little did he know what he was getting himself into. Now the police want to charge him. The charge is $60, payable in cash. Furthermore, the police want him to turn up in person in case such super-top-sensitive information ended up in the wrong hands. ''Presumably, the number of points will be written on a blank piece of paper which I will be expected to eat after having digested the information,'' says Robert. In the United Kingdom, this information is apparently printed on big, black letters on your licence, so it is difficult to know why this data is top secret here. A Lai See campaign to get this charge lifted has already failed, with police spokesman Joe Yiu saying the cash was needed to cover labour costs. Such as the time spent taking cash to the bank, presumably. ''I think every driver should know how many points they have, '' said Joe, adding uncertainly: ''I . . . err . . . had a few points on mine but . . . I think they have been wiped off now.'' However, police sources indicate a way of finding out how many points you have for free. Simply commit traffic offences until your points total gets to eight or more, and you will be sent a warning letter, with your points total on it. They won't even put an invoice in the envelope. Floor charge TORBJORN Karlsson of Saab Aircraft has just been told it will cost $12 per session per head to use the swimming pool at his own block of flats, Grand Panorama in Robinson Road. Already, management company Hang Yick Properties Management is charging visitors for parking: a guest turning up by car for a dinner with friends living at Grand Panorama which lasted three and a half hours would be charged $95. We hope the policeman who dreamed up the $60 charge lives in the same block. ''What will they think of next?,'' asks Torbjorn, amazed. His suggestion is a charge of a dollar per floor for the lift, with a ''frequent riders'' programme. Dirty word SUN Hung Kai Research's gigantic quarterly report on the Hongkong share market is now hitting the mailboxes. The firm rates 70 stocks, and manages not to use that disgraceful four-letter word that begins with S and rhymes with ''tell'' even once. Of the 33 stocks which make up the Hang Seng Index, only four have any form of hint that they might under-perform the average. The arithmetic of this is intriguing. These four shares prices will have to go negative to make the rest of the calculations work, yet they still don't get a s*** label. One recommendation is ''buy below $4.80'' for a company called Wo Kee Hong, whose shares closed last night at $5.30. Think about it. They wouldn't be telling their clients to s*** the shares, would they? Brake time SITTING in the back of a taxi going through Chai Wan on Hongkong island Tom Ewing of Hit Radio noticed a semi-wreck of a bus in the traffic with lots of panels missing. A big sign hung over the exposed engine at the back of the bus said ''Caution - Testing Brakes''. ''Excuse me,'' he asks. ''But should this sign be placed on the front?'' He can't remember which bus company it was, but the location and vivid description of the bus' condition gives us all the clues we need. Fowl imagery IF you want to see lots of roosters, then go to China. This seems to be the message from Travel China, one of the many strange English-language magazines produced to inform foreign tourists. Here is a taste of their article about roosters and folk ceremonies. No sniggering, please. ''When a couple of Dong youth fall in love, they choose a moonlit night to take their engagement oath. With many relatives and friends present the young man produces a cock tied with strips of red cloth.'' ''Cock replaces groom at wedding ceremony: Sometimes the groom may be too busy abroad to go home for the wedding. Not to miss the lucky date for marriage the people concerned select a strong cock to represent the groom at the wedding ceremony.'' And so on, for a thousand words. There is clearly scope for an enterprising foreigner with a smutty mind to set up a consultancy in China flicking through dull English-language magazines and brochures, warning mainlanders about rooster-ups like this.
